Happier Holidays

The meeting with the counselor/therapist went very well.  I felt comfortable right from the start.  BONUS:  He knew previous therapist from 20 years ago and understood my anger at him for trying to "fix" my orientation. 

I sort of amazed myself in that I could answer questions without "flinching".  When he asked if I was gay, I didn't hesitate to say yes.  Now to some, that may not seem a big deal, but to me, it was.  His opening questions in fact said to me that he isn't doing this for the first time and that he knows what he is doing.  He was very good about getting a history and timeline for recent events.  I was even honest when he asked about my drinking.  And I don't disclose that to anyone.  Funny, now that I think of it, more people know I'm gay than I have a drinking problem.  Steve (Therapist) said we will work on that as well.  He also said it is perfectly understandable. 

After the session, I went on to work.  Somehow, it seemed less stressful, when I got home, I told the wife I had started therapy.  She was very pleased about that.  She knows she will eventually meet with Steve and I and with Steve alone at some point.  In some ways I feel a bit guilty not telling her the why of the therapy but I do believe it is also for her benefit as well.  I want her to be in the system when her world caves in.  If it does anyway.  Steve also feels she has to have suspicions but really doesn't want to know.  He laughed when I told him that one thing the two of us have in common is we hate confrontation. 

I think one of the best things so far to come out of the first visit was that Thursday night, I slept well.  I mean really well.  It really was like a weight was lifted, if not lifted I at least have someone who will be able to help me carry it.  No slight to you Dee, you have been wonderful.  I will be getting the blog url to him to read.  He thinks he should be helpful for insight.  I guess I should apologize to him for the photo's. 

Anyway, the way I felt this morning was that I will have an end to this situation once and for all.  Previously, I wasn't sure about this because I considered it crossing the Rubicon.  And while I really want to come out and stop the pretense, I was unsure if I could do it.  NOW, I feel grateful I crossed the Rubicon and there will be no going back.  And this is after only one session!!!!  Happy Holidays to all of you out there who have been so supportive of me.  I am working the holiday and I don't mind a bit.

One side note to AWILWAGM:  I don't know if Jerry has considered therapy, but I think you both may want to consider it.  I was surprised to find out that Marriage Counselors also will work with you to help determine if keeping the marriage going is a good idea or not.  And if not, they will help you both get through the ending of it much better than you can do on your own.  If Jerry would like to chat about it from my point of view, you have my email address.

Wow, taking a big step!

Happy Holidays to all.
Well, things have been stressful here on the home front.  Some of you that I have email contact know what I am referring to.  For the rest, lets just say my son is driving me crazy with his behavior.  And I certainly don't need that now. 
  On to the news.  I have made an appointment with a counselor who specializes in couples with sexual orientation issues.  I spent a lot of time calling a couple of recommended ones.  First one wasn't taking any new clients until March.  Her assistant recommended one very highly and so I called.  She wasn't seeing anyone until the first of the year and doesn't take my insurance.  So, I called the third one.  That one doesn't do couple counseling.  However, someone at his office does.  So, I have an appointment for 10am tmorrow.  To say I have mixed emotions would be an understatement.  I am so scared of reveling myself to someone I don't even know.  OTOH, I am excited about moving forward.   

I am not sure which of these pics represent how I feel in other words.  The first one here is how I felt when I hung up the phone.  Stepping out into a new area, head held high.  Like breaking the top of the water and really enjoying the sensation.

After a couple of minutes it sunk in what I had done.  I felt more like the second photo.  Ready to forget it and just leave the water.  Altogether. Quit.  Knowing me, I will oscillate between these two all day today.  It is a good thing the appointment is in less than 24 hours.  I could be a basket case before then.                                                              

I do want to comment on something Ellie Mae  said.    Yes I am a coward.  In some ways anyway, but that isn't why the delay in telling her.  My parents divorced around christmas 45 years ago.  I don't think I ever forgave them for that.  In addition, we have a trip planned to Denmark to see a former exchange student we think of as our daughter and her son (who we think of as our grandchild) and I don't want anything to ruin that for me or for her.  It means a great deal to her.  Really at this point what difference does a couple of months really make.  I am hoping that this counselor will help her deal with the situation as well.  One way or the other, once I meet with him, I feel that the die will be cast.     And that will be better than the way I was feeling about telling her a week ago when I was very angry with her.  I so fantasized about how I would do it.   On the plane ride back to the states, I would hand her an envelope with a settlement offer drawn up by my lawyer and give her the news that way.  My good friend and informal counselor insisted that was far to mean spirited.  She is right but boy did it feel right at the time.  I am aware that I can behave badly when angry.  In fact I have fought that part of me for many years.  Unfortunately not always successfully.  I have had to apologize for some pretty ugly things I have said.  Not always accepted of course.

   Anyway, if I get through tomorrow okay, I will try to at least put a comment on how it went on this entry if I don't have a chance to do a complete new entry. 

So, now that we are out, how do we date?

So, we have decided to accept we are gay. What does that really mean? I mean sex is really just a small part of who you are. You Sleep more time than you have sex. You are at your job more time than at your job. The thought came to me when I was driving. I was noticing guys I passed. If they looked back, I quickly looked away. So, it occurred to me that if it was a really pretty girl, a straight guy might not look away. Same thing in a non-driving situation. In a room, a guy sees a pretty girl, doesn't feel the least bit self conscience looking at her. She may be flattered, annoyed or just doesn't care. Same situation with a guy looking at a guy can and often has lead to fights. Even if it wasn't intended as a hookup. So my question is, how does one "look" ?  Or in the future, will we just all look at what interests us?  Will it become the norm for a guy to say "I'm flattered but not gay"  And we all just move on?  Personally, I can't see any other way for things to work once being gay is really accepted.  In fact, that may be how we know we have arrived.  How we have won the battle.  Of course that will change how we look at sports a bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dci6ndAw7CA&feature=related

I haven't worked with the software enough to know if this will work, but it is a really cute video.  And as someone who hated team sports, I love it.  Well, I have to get some sleep, tomorrow is another work day.  Thanks to JustaMike for his post on broken Gaydar, it was the inspiration for this.