Well, things have been stressful here on the home front. Some of you that I have email contact know what I am referring to. For the rest, lets just say my son is driving me crazy with his behavior. And I certainly don't need that now.
On to the news. I have made an appointment with a counselor who specializes in couples with sexual orientation issues. I spent a lot of time calling a couple of recommended ones. First one wasn't taking any new clients until March. Her assistant recommended one very highly and so I called. She wasn't seeing anyone until the first of the year and doesn't take my insurance. So, I called the third one. That one doesn't do couple counseling. However, someone at his office does. So, I have an appointment for 10am tmorrow. To say I have mixed emotions would be an understatement. I am so scared of reveling myself to someone I don't even know. OTOH, I am excited about moving forward.
After a couple of minutes it sunk in what I had done. I felt more like the second photo. Ready to forget it and just leave the water. Altogether. Quit. Knowing me, I will oscillate between these two all day today. It is a good thing the appointment is in less than 24 hours. I could be a basket case before then.
I do want to comment on something Ellie Mae said. Yes I am a coward. In some ways anyway, but that isn't why the delay in telling her. My parents divorced around christmas 45 years ago. I don't think I ever forgave them for that. In addition, we have a trip planned to Denmark to see a former exchange student we think of as our daughter and her son (who we think of as our grandchild) and I don't want anything to ruin that for me or for her. It means a great deal to her. Really at this point what difference does a couple of months really make. I am hoping that this counselor will help her deal with the situation as well. One way or the other, once I meet with him, I feel that the die will be cast. And that will be better than the way I was feeling about telling her a week ago when I was very angry with her. I so fantasized about how I would do it. On the plane ride back to the states, I would hand her an envelope with a settlement offer drawn up by my lawyer and give her the news that way. My good friend and informal counselor insisted that was far to mean spirited. She is right but boy did it feel right at the time. I am aware that I can behave badly when angry. In fact I have fought that part of me for many years. Unfortunately not always successfully. I have had to apologize for some pretty ugly things I have said. Not always accepted of course.
Anyway, if I get through tomorrow okay, I will try to at least put a comment on how it went on this entry if I don't have a chance to do a complete new entry.
I'm really happy that you're going to take counseling. But just to be clear, you're not going to tell her on the plane ride back are you? I'm not opposed to the letter however. In fact, on almost any major discussion that I've had with anyone that I'm close to, starts with a letter from me. I feel that it's easier to express myself on paper. Then I don't have the emotions. I cry for almost every strong emotion. When I'm incredibly happy, incredibly mad and of course sad. I'm kind of surprised that I didn't cry at my wedding. So to not worry my husband, I write him letters so he doesn't see my tears and automatically think we're getting a divorce. Give me an email before you do and I'll give a list of books, support groups and websites that can help her come to terms with whats happening in her life. It's a big shock. And then at least I ending up feeling a fool that I missed all these little signs that I should have added up. Good luck to you. Good luck in therapy. The therapist won't judge you. It's their job to listen and help you. And when I feel like I'm being judged in therapy, I just think about all the severe nut jobs out there and think my problems are baby compared to theirs.
ReplyDeleteNo, I am not going to tell her on the plane. Dee is right it would be unnecessarily cruel. I agree with the idea of the letter. I have done that myself. In fact, that is how wife and I fell in love. We spent the summer apart after meeting and wrote letters (yes real postal type) back and forth all summer long. I believe you can learn a person very quickly that way.
ReplyDeleteI will try to send you an email before I tell her. I'm getting ready to leave this morning and I am terrified. It is taking all that is in me to not call and cancel. It seemed like such a good idea yesterday.
I should have checked this earlier. It is a good idea. Its great to have someone that's a non-involved party to talk to and then get their feedback. They can validate your feelings like no one can. Sometimes I feel that my husband and friends just agree with me because we're so close and they don't want to start a conflict (even though I'm all about telling it like it is). It's great to go to a therapist and just say this really bothering me. Or they can give you another way to look at things. Good luck. My husband was extremely nervous the first time he went to therapy but then afterwards felt one hundred times better.
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