The meeting with the counselor/therapist went very well. I felt comfortable right from the start. BONUS: He knew previous therapist from 20 years ago and understood my anger at him for trying to "fix" my orientation.
I sort of amazed myself in that I could answer questions without "flinching". When he asked if I was gay, I didn't hesitate to say yes. Now to some, that may not seem a big deal, but to me, it was. His opening questions in fact said to me that he isn't doing this for the first time and that he knows what he is doing. He was very good about getting a history and timeline for recent events. I was even honest when he asked about my drinking. And I don't disclose that to anyone. Funny, now that I think of it, more people know I'm gay than I have a drinking problem. Steve (Therapist) said we will work on that as well. He also said it is perfectly understandable.
After the session, I went on to work. Somehow, it seemed less stressful, when I got home, I told the wife I had started therapy. She was very pleased about that. She knows she will eventually meet with Steve and I and with Steve alone at some point. In some ways I feel a bit guilty not telling her the why of the therapy but I do believe it is also for her benefit as well. I want her to be in the system when her world caves in. If it does anyway. Steve also feels she has to have suspicions but really doesn't want to know. He laughed when I told him that one thing the two of us have in common is we hate confrontation.
I think one of the best things so far to come out of the first visit was that Thursday night, I slept well. I mean really well. It really was like a weight was lifted, if not lifted I at least have someone who will be able to help me carry it. No slight to you Dee, you have been wonderful. I will be getting the blog url to him to read. He thinks he should be helpful for insight. I guess I should apologize to him for the photo's.
Anyway, the way I felt this morning was that I will have an end to this situation once and for all. Previously, I wasn't sure about this because I considered it crossing the Rubicon. And while I really want to come out and stop the pretense, I was unsure if I could do it. NOW, I feel grateful I crossed the Rubicon and there will be no going back. And this is after only one session!!!! Happy Holidays to all of you out there who have been so supportive of me. I am working the holiday and I don't mind a bit.
One side note to AWILWAGM: I don't know if Jerry has considered therapy, but I think you both may want to consider it. I was surprised to find out that Marriage Counselors also will work with you to help determine if keeping the marriage going is a good idea or not. And if not, they will help you both get through the ending of it much better than you can do on your own. If Jerry would like to chat about it from my point of view, you have my email address.
Skier thank you. We have both been in therapy since his coming out. He was a great counselor, gay, open minded and really had great insight. Jerry saw him every other week for three months. We went twice as a couple and I went once alone. The counselor was great. he is trying to help Jerry find what his ganess means, helpme to be okay with Jerry's gayness, and also help us retain our relationship in a new form, whatever that may be. I am glad you are seeing a thrapist.
ReplyDeleteI highly dissaprove of your drinking and truly hope you find your way. I am not judgemental about it, but I know the personal struggles, and pain that his hidden and even caused by alcohol. My entire family are acholics. I have always been afriad of being one so I have to monitor my drinking. Tis the reason I only allow myself to drink a couple times a year.
I know my grandma and her boyfriend found a great deal of success with AA. You don't need to attend you just need to follow the steps. If you need help or a sponser I can help. It's not ideal that I live far away, but I am only a phone call away.
As for your wife, your feelings of anger will gurt her. Think of all the good you two have created for each other throughout your lives. Handle this situation with sensitivity, I know how much this has hurt you, in hiding who you are. I can't imagine. Skier I wish you the very best and happy holiday.
AWILTAGM
Hi AWILTAGM,
ReplyDeleteI am very aware of the problems with drinking, believe me. My dad's side was filled with alcoholics. My therapist will be working with me on that as well. In fact, that is one way I knew I needed one. 20 years ago, I didn't have the knowledge and it really did almost kill me. I may not be the brightest, but I do try to learn from mistakes.
Thanks for the comment as always. And I wish you both a very Merry Christmas.
I'm so glad that you felt that way afterwards. It's hard to describe how great it feels to finally talk to someone that's not involved in the situation. I would also like to say that you're really helping your wife pre-disclosure. There's going to be a huge supportive community, if you haven't already noticed, when you come out. The wives of gay/bi men do not have such a community. Beside support groups, there's not really a way for us to find each other. a good book to get so you can give it to her after you come out. it's called "when husbands come out of the closet". Send me a quick email and i'll send you more books and websites.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ellie Mae, It is funny that there will be a support system AFTER we come out. Shame there isn't a system to help us before. I mean if there wasn't so much pressue to be "straight" we wouldn't be in this discussion. The reason there isn't a support system for the women is they haven't spent years agonizing. I don't mean that to sound harsh, I don't. From what I can tell, there is a support system if they look for it. Just the way we did. In addition, lets be real. Society will be on her side. We are considered scum after all. Again, I apologize for sounding harsh. I know you aren't like that way. I guess I will have plenty to talk about at next therapy session too. Guess I have more anger than I realized. Of course, that could be due to the fact that today is my 38th anniversary. And I am beginning to realize that I have to mourn my marriage. That we won't grow old together. That it is my fault
ReplyDeleteI would like to disagree with you. You can walk into any gay bar anywhere and say "Well after 38 years of marriage to a woman, I'm here and I'm queer." You would get nothing but pats on the back and numbers. That's the community I'm talking about. Wives, however, are thrown in a closet. Because even if they are able to tell someone, they'll get comments like "didn't you have any inklings after 38 years?!". That's just what someone would say. Of course women tend to internalize everything so in her mind she's saying "wow did I turn him gay" "did I not put out enough" "i'm so stupid for not seeing that'. In my first marriage, my husband was so degrading to me. I felt that the marriage ended because I wasn't sexual enough. because that's what he told. But then I realized that he was an alcoholic cheater (no offense) that blamed me for his own shortcomings as a husband. But for years, and I mean years, I felt like I was to blame and that bled over into my current marriage. Anyways back to the wives of gay men. Most women feel like they failed at marriage. They just want to ignore it and hopefully it goes away. Yes there is support groups for us. But women have to be brave enough to enter the term "gay husband, straight wives" into the search engine. The only support group in my area is online. And I live in the capital of a state in the Midwest. I don't know if you'll ever quite fully understand what your wife is going to go through. Her world isn't going to cave in, it's going to end. Everything that happened over the last 38 years will be called into question. Every moment you said you loved her will be doubted. She'll feel like she was used so you could appear "normal". And you don't know that your marriage will end. She could realize that this is what made you unhappy. This was probably a main cause to your alcoholism. She'll remember the man she knew 38 years ago and think maybe you can get back to that. Lots of women stay in a marriage with a gay husband. I'll tell you why. Because when you've married someone, you've married because you love the way they make you feel. You love the emotional intimaticy with them. You love the way they've supported you at every big milestone in life. You get married because you're best friends and can't imagine life without them in it. I married my current husband even after I learned about his ssa because I loved him and couldn't imagine him not in my life. So you just need to say, Honey I'm gay but I still love you. Which I really think you do from the emotions you have about your marriage and wife. Just get everything out in the open. Tell her why you love her. Tell her she's a beautiful woman. And then go from there. I'm not going to lie. The affairs are going to be tough to get over. You took a vow of fidelity and you broke that. It's going to take time. You're not going to disclose to her and then poof you guys are living in an open marriage. Be gentle on yourself and on your wife. And I'll let you completely blame society. I feel that society and its expectations are completely to blame.
ReplyDeleteWell, Skier, I certainly understand where you're coming from. Ellie Mae, you are right about the problems the wives go through. I wish I could have found a way to deal with all this in a way that wouldn't have been so cruel. That is my only regret. I handled my situation badly (but in all fairness, I did the best I could at the time), and I wanted so desperately to make it all just go away. I've tried to speak with her, but to no avail. She holds on to 'faith' that I will return home and be 'normal'. I gave up. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tim, you bring up a great point: At the time. I don't know how long it has been but I would say never give up hope. And please remind me of those words later when I will need them.
ReplyDeleteSkier, my husband and I have a good friend who is still living with his wife. He loves her and she him and she's known everything for some time. Her vision it that, while they live sort of like brother and sister in the same house and keep family events going, he will live a celibate life, which is NOT happening. But despite a few frustrations, it works on some level. I also know of situation where it works very well and my friend's lover is even welcome in the house. The fact that you're in therapy that may eventually include your wife is a very good beginning. I wish you the very best of luck!
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