Here it is almost 2 months since I moved out and came out. I'm getting used to living alone. In fact, I rather enjoy it. I'm developing some good habits about housekeeping and have only ONCE ordered Delivery Pizza. Have what I consider great news to share. FINALLY got it through to her that I wasn't the only one to blame for this situation. In fact, with a lot of effort, my therapist showed me that in fact I had been the victim of some serious psychological abuse from her for many many years. After quite awhile, I was able to make my wife see that. I finally got what I wanted from her regarding that. I heartfelt apology for the way she had treated me and for the pain she has caused me.
I would like to think she really meant it. I would also love to know if she was really as unaware of it as she claims. BUT, I am not going to pursue it. It was kind of funny how it came about. I had prepared this long email to her brother detailing what I felt were the issues/problems. I wanted her to read it before I sent it. She was getting ready to have knee replacement surgery the next day. I admit to wanting to ruin her peace. Only because she said she didn't want to discuss my pain because she was going to have surgery. And that was over a week before the surgery. In the letter (which was really meant for her to read) I went over the examples of her abuse over the years and pointed out that while she wanted honesty, her whole family kept secrets. I don't mean little ones either. All the makings of a good soap opera. Previous wives and children. Felony convictions and abortion. I hated to have to go the heavy drama route but experience has shown me it is the only way to get her to take me seriously! A point I covered in the email.
After the surgery, I went by to see her of course. She said "go ahead and send as is" I asked if she were sure. I asked twice. When I mentioned a couple of the bombshells in the letter her comment was that they weren't in there. I finally had to ask if she had actually read it. She said she had but I can't believe she would have risked her brother asking her mother about some of the secrets. I asked her if she finally understood what I was talking about. She said she was beginning to. Progress!!! So, last Friday, I brought up the subject again. One friend said I was beating a dead horse, but it was important to me. After hitting close to things, she stopped texting. I had asked her if she felt any guilt at all. She said yes. I asked her if she felt guilty about the treatment she gave me. Because that was REALLY the only thing she was guilty of. When she didn't answer I went, in her words, ballistic. I sent off some very nasty texts etc. Finally she texted back that she was feeling sick and had gone to sleep for 3 hours. I apologized of course. I mean I was very wrong. But, I pointed out that I was figuring she was falling back on her old patterns. THAT rung the bell for her. Amazing to me in a way. That was all I had to say??? Anyway, she apologized. I was so happy. Still am. She made a comment that she would remember how I went ballistic when falling into old patterns. At first I thought that was a threat, so I didn't say anything at all. I realized that what she meant was she wasn't going to do it again. I know she will of course, but I will try very hard to remember that all I have to do is remind her that we don't use any of the old methods any more. Too painful for us. Funny when I pointed that out, she more than agreed. We may survive this after all. I did not send the letter btw.
On other fronts, I learned a few lessons the hard way.
Be careful with shaving and depilatories. Do research first.
Don't fall asleep with a cock ring on.
Another thing that happened was I went for a physical. Long overdue. The reason overdue was I really connected with my nurse practioner. He spent time doing the physical and listened when I spoke. The new doctor I had only met briefly with emergency type things like tendonitis and muscle spasms. Turns out, he is every bit as good as Gene was. His first comment was on the weight loss. Great he said. Well, not really I corrected. Of course he looked at me funny so I explained how I had moved out. Then told him "in the interest of full disclosure and believing you don't like to your priest, bartender or doctor, I also told my wife I was probably gay two weeks after that. He was amazing. Didn't get all strange for example. We did discuss the health implications etc. Suggested I get a Hepatitis A vaccination. Digress here for moment: Anyone have male/male sex should get this. Seems it is at greater frequency. He also felt the need to discuss safe sex. I already knew that of course and he was pleased. But I do have to share the funniest part of the whole physical. Funny in a way he didn't pick up on yet. He starts the prostate exam and just as he would have with anyone else, he says the usual MD jargon "there will be some pressure etc" Considering the previous conversation, I just found it humorous. If it had been Gene doing that after the conversation (I never told him) I would have said something like "Really Gene? Think that finger is bigger than what I have already tried?" Yes, I have a warped sense of humor. And believe me Gene would have laughed. If I ever run into him I will have to tell him about it. After all, once he asked me if anyone had done an exam on me lately. My response? I batted my eyes and said "just you Gene" LOL
Finally I have to say my local bar had an undies night. It was hilarious. Good turnout. Some nice eye candy and I couldn't believe I worked up the courage to fully participate. With specially bought underwear of course.
Take care everyone.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Request
A while back, I said I would tell any guy in my position that it does get better and coming out to wife and family is a good thing. In that vein, I am passing on a video that was sent to me. No, it isn't about someone in my position, but it is an important point. So important, that when he requested I put in a blog post, I said I would. And to be honest, I haven't learned enough about Blog posts to use HTML. Buddy, you will have to email me with tips. LOL .
I also told my anonymous friend, that even before I figured out how to put the link in my blog (BTW, he lives in a country where it can be a death sentence to be gay) I was going to put link to my Facebook page. I'm not "out" to the general public yet and may never be, but I felt this video was so powerful and important that it was necessary. Marriage equality is an important civil right. Why? Because in the case of this video, the deceased wishes were NOT carried out. I cannot think of anything more important that those wishes! How would any of US feel if we knew our wishes weren't going to be carried out?
As much as I stressed over my situation, it pales in comparison to this one. PLEASE spread the word. If you are out, put it on your FB page. If you aren't try and think of a way to publicize it. A "I found this interesting" would help. If we can get all the thinking feeling people to see it, we WILL make a difference. The close minded bigots are really a small minority! Don't let them continue to win.
Thank you.
From a friend Please share.
I also told my anonymous friend, that even before I figured out how to put the link in my blog (BTW, he lives in a country where it can be a death sentence to be gay) I was going to put link to my Facebook page. I'm not "out" to the general public yet and may never be, but I felt this video was so powerful and important that it was necessary. Marriage equality is an important civil right. Why? Because in the case of this video, the deceased wishes were NOT carried out. I cannot think of anything more important that those wishes! How would any of US feel if we knew our wishes weren't going to be carried out?
As much as I stressed over my situation, it pales in comparison to this one. PLEASE spread the word. If you are out, put it on your FB page. If you aren't try and think of a way to publicize it. A "I found this interesting" would help. If we can get all the thinking feeling people to see it, we WILL make a difference. The close minded bigots are really a small minority! Don't let them continue to win.
Thank you.
From a friend Please share.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Amazing Revelation
So I had an appointment with Steve yesterday. Funny thing was on Wednesday when received call to remind me, I almost said to cancel it. I felt I was doing well and the thought of sleeping in on Friday was calling to me. Good thing I didn't.
I will try to share enough basics to bring up to speed. We allowed my son's girl friend to move in with us when her dad ran away (a whole movie just in that month period but not here) almost 3 years ago. She comes from a lower middle class or lower background. To her, we must have appeared wealthy. Anyway, to help her finish school and get job we obtained a car for her. It got wrecked. Used the insurance money to get another. Wish she was supposed to get loan to pay for. I nagged for that. As you can guess, I was ignored. So 2 weeks ago, I find out that the car may have a blown engine. I find that out when I went by house to pick up stuff. I get upset. Sarah goes "you can't come by if you get upset. Real life happens here" Kind of pissed me off, but I let it go. So on Thursday, she finds out that this girl did not do as told to get it towed. It is now in impound. Sarah finds out on her way home from business trip. While in the airport in Atlanta with her work colleagues. She explodes! In front of them. Comments made to her included "I've never seen you that mad" So, guess what she does? She calls me Friday morning! Wakes me up with the fact she had to pay almost $700 to get it out of impound. I explode. She seems surprised I mean WTF. I had been trying to get the money for a while and I am against this in the first place. OF course I was going to explode. She made the comment that she yelled at her "Do you think I am made of money?" I responded "Yes, because that is what we have taught her. We enabled her" Of course I did not mean we. but I'm trying to be nice.
So, I am now awake and angry. Get showered and off to therapy. Did I mention that Steve is awesome. So I relate the morning's events. I use this as an example of why I really don't want Sarah handling the finances. In fact, before I went to see him, I sent an email to Sarah. In it I stated while I didn't feel that way now, here were my thoughts when I hung up phone. Okay, I give up. Lets go see the lawyers, lets lose everything we worked to build. I don't care. I can live quite nicely in my little apartment on my salary. YOU cannot live with the bills we have without my salary. But I will not let you drag me down with you.
Steve finally explains to me in a way I grasp, that I am enabling her! He asked me if it was MY responsibility to make sure she doesn't. I said of course it is my responsibility. He asked me again why is it mine. I said well because of the kids etc. Again, he points out things to me that I "knew" but didn't really know. For example that I actually did have a reason for my anger. In the email I sent Sarah I said if the things I said made her angry, not to text or call me until she cooled down. Then I didn't hear from her. So when I got off work, I sent text that I was off work. She called and we had a difficult call. I had melt down, screamed, cried very upset. I do not like myself like that. And I sure as hell don't want anyone else to see or here me like that! I was so angry. I finally acknowledged that anger both to her and myself. She said, I don't understand it, but I get it. I screamed that NO, if she doesn't understand it, she can not possibly get it. The only thing I did "wrong" was be gay. And I can't help that! She had responded to my email with we can talk about this on Sunday when we meet. As for the rest of the stuff, she didn't feel need to comment. So I responded with a comment that I just didn't know I would be in the position of forgiving her. Or that it would be so hard.
Now today, I did say I was a slow learner, I had an amazing revelation while showering. I did not move out because I was gay! I moved out because I was angry. And I have right to be angry. I was just as mistreated as she was by me. And to be honest, hers did come first. But I always felt I married out of my league and therefore should just be grateful for what I had.
So, this morning, I asked if she had told the girl she had until June 1st to move out. Oh and btw, did you read my response. She hadn't. She texts back later that she had read it and her concern was that I don't forgive her. And that she was in a precarious position. So, I knew I had to call her and did. I told her that for ME, I had to forgive her. Eventually, I asked her if her comments were meant as an apology. She said yes. I told her that was the first I had an apology for any of this. At least from my viewpoint. Ah life! Why do we hold on so tightly?
I will try to share enough basics to bring up to speed. We allowed my son's girl friend to move in with us when her dad ran away (a whole movie just in that month period but not here) almost 3 years ago. She comes from a lower middle class or lower background. To her, we must have appeared wealthy. Anyway, to help her finish school and get job we obtained a car for her. It got wrecked. Used the insurance money to get another. Wish she was supposed to get loan to pay for. I nagged for that. As you can guess, I was ignored. So 2 weeks ago, I find out that the car may have a blown engine. I find that out when I went by house to pick up stuff. I get upset. Sarah goes "you can't come by if you get upset. Real life happens here" Kind of pissed me off, but I let it go. So on Thursday, she finds out that this girl did not do as told to get it towed. It is now in impound. Sarah finds out on her way home from business trip. While in the airport in Atlanta with her work colleagues. She explodes! In front of them. Comments made to her included "I've never seen you that mad" So, guess what she does? She calls me Friday morning! Wakes me up with the fact she had to pay almost $700 to get it out of impound. I explode. She seems surprised I mean WTF. I had been trying to get the money for a while and I am against this in the first place. OF course I was going to explode. She made the comment that she yelled at her "Do you think I am made of money?" I responded "Yes, because that is what we have taught her. We enabled her" Of course I did not mean we. but I'm trying to be nice.
So, I am now awake and angry. Get showered and off to therapy. Did I mention that Steve is awesome. So I relate the morning's events. I use this as an example of why I really don't want Sarah handling the finances. In fact, before I went to see him, I sent an email to Sarah. In it I stated while I didn't feel that way now, here were my thoughts when I hung up phone. Okay, I give up. Lets go see the lawyers, lets lose everything we worked to build. I don't care. I can live quite nicely in my little apartment on my salary. YOU cannot live with the bills we have without my salary. But I will not let you drag me down with you.
Steve finally explains to me in a way I grasp, that I am enabling her! He asked me if it was MY responsibility to make sure she doesn't. I said of course it is my responsibility. He asked me again why is it mine. I said well because of the kids etc. Again, he points out things to me that I "knew" but didn't really know. For example that I actually did have a reason for my anger. In the email I sent Sarah I said if the things I said made her angry, not to text or call me until she cooled down. Then I didn't hear from her. So when I got off work, I sent text that I was off work. She called and we had a difficult call. I had melt down, screamed, cried very upset. I do not like myself like that. And I sure as hell don't want anyone else to see or here me like that! I was so angry. I finally acknowledged that anger both to her and myself. She said, I don't understand it, but I get it. I screamed that NO, if she doesn't understand it, she can not possibly get it. The only thing I did "wrong" was be gay. And I can't help that! She had responded to my email with we can talk about this on Sunday when we meet. As for the rest of the stuff, she didn't feel need to comment. So I responded with a comment that I just didn't know I would be in the position of forgiving her. Or that it would be so hard.
Now today, I did say I was a slow learner, I had an amazing revelation while showering. I did not move out because I was gay! I moved out because I was angry. And I have right to be angry. I was just as mistreated as she was by me. And to be honest, hers did come first. But I always felt I married out of my league and therefore should just be grateful for what I had.
So, this morning, I asked if she had told the girl she had until June 1st to move out. Oh and btw, did you read my response. She hadn't. She texts back later that she had read it and her concern was that I don't forgive her. And that she was in a precarious position. So, I knew I had to call her and did. I told her that for ME, I had to forgive her. Eventually, I asked her if her comments were meant as an apology. She said yes. I told her that was the first I had an apology for any of this. At least from my viewpoint. Ah life! Why do we hold on so tightly?
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Sudoku
I love this game. I start each day by doing my mental exercises to it. If there is anyone here who plays it, you know it can be very frustrating as well. I think that is an apt description of things are in my mind at times. I stare at a problem for awhile then I see a step forward. At times, just like in the game, I see several steps at a time after being stumped for what seems like forever. Pass that roadblock and move on. Great feeling moving on. However, just like the game, each step depends on the previous one being right. Sometimes, you won't learn you made a mistake until the last number is entered. Then, in the game, the screen highlights the row or rows that are incorrect. It would be nice if it did it at the time you made the error, but it doesn't. So I clear out the screen and start over. My life over the past has been a lot like the game in that I see a couple of moves, make them and see more. Think I am making progress and at the end realize I made a mistake somewhere along the way. Do the best at clearing the screen and start over.
Well, today, I feel as if I have finally been putting the right pieces into place. I am enjoying my life at last! Weight is starting to come under control (don't recommend the stress diet, but I am down 40 pounds). Headed to do some treadmill work after finish this AND making plans to do 1/2 marathon in November. Of course since I haven't gotten to the end there is that worry that I may find I made a mistake that will mess things up at the end. But I don't think so. Of course it may just be that I am going to finish this game and start another. I'm okay with that though. I will be okay with starting that one over each time it is necessary to move on! Have a great day everyone.
Well, today, I feel as if I have finally been putting the right pieces into place. I am enjoying my life at last! Weight is starting to come under control (don't recommend the stress diet, but I am down 40 pounds). Headed to do some treadmill work after finish this AND making plans to do 1/2 marathon in November. Of course since I haven't gotten to the end there is that worry that I may find I made a mistake that will mess things up at the end. But I don't think so. Of course it may just be that I am going to finish this game and start another. I'm okay with that though. I will be okay with starting that one over each time it is necessary to move on! Have a great day everyone.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Slow Learner
So, I have been on a journey that I thought with end with the "bomb". Is seems that I still have some ways to go. I hate when they move the goal posts!
Things I have learned recently:
1)From my good friend Buddy I learned that while for me (us) this is very central at this time, most people really don't care much. And I so wanted to believe that, but didn't. Then I started to slowly let close friends know this week. And he is right. I think my favorite comment was by a friend who said "who cares, you are still you"
2)From my friend Michelle, I learned that when you are loved, that person LOVES you. Thank you so much Michelle. When you wrote about the pain your Jerry was going through, I could so feel it. You showed me that it was the total package that counted. You understood what he gave up to try and be normal. That you understood that he didn't chose this. You didn't just say those things, you showed you really believed in them. That was so instrumental for me. It lead me to ....
3)I Finally can accept what my beloved wife has been telling me. Up until today, I really didn't. I figured she was just trying to say the right things. That she couldn't possibly mean the things she was saying. For example, when we talked on sunday, she made the comment to me that for me to ever move back into the house, things would have to change. I responded that I can't change being gay. She said that wasn't what she was talking about. On Sunday, I couldn't accept that. Now I can. That doesn't mean we will ever live together again. It doesn't mean we won't. It means (I hope I have this right) that I need to work on ME before anything can even be discussed. We are still friends and I am so grateful for that. I NOW think we always will be. I have been very worried about how people will treat HER when they find out I am gay. Now I understand she has already dealt with that. Did I mention she was amazing? She truly is. Neither of us knows what the future will hold. But I did tell her I would let her read this entry. But not the earlier ones. So, I will cut and paste this into an email. It will be exactly the same as what I post. Someday, who knows, I may let her read these things. One of the things I brought up on Sunday was that eventually, she will run into me on a date with someone. I asked her if she would be okay with that. Her response? If they would be okay with her. I had never entertained that thought. It floored me to say the least. She said they might be uncomfortable with her coming up and giving me a hug and kiss. I can't imagine that happening. Everyone loves her. After she explained things to me. (Did I mention I can be pretty dense at times) I could see what she was talking about. As I told her, we have a bond. It may not be the usual one, but it is there. Always will be we both agree. SO, for me to have a relationship with someone, they had better accept that. If they can't accept her, then I have no use for them. It isn't like I have a new woman and that woman is jealous of the old one. I didn't leave the former one for a new one. I moved out because I needed to get my head on straight. Which translates as I am still loving my wife, but accepting the fact that I don't love woman the way I "should". I put that in quotes not because I think I am whatever, but because that is part of my acceptance of who I am. And this week has really been that for me.
Updates: I have started going back to church. I left because I felt the church couldn't accept me. I think the problem was I couldn't accept me. I prayed that I was no longer going to "pray away the gay" I started praying to accept things. I felt very much more at peace afterwards. I think I will continue to go. It isn't the church of my upbringing, I don't think they will ever accept me. Well, they accept us as long as we give up sex. Not really accepting is it? I mean, we are sexual beings. God made me this way and I FINALLY believe he is okay with me. I did say I was a slow learner at the beginning didn't I.
Things I have learned recently:
1)From my good friend Buddy I learned that while for me (us) this is very central at this time, most people really don't care much. And I so wanted to believe that, but didn't. Then I started to slowly let close friends know this week. And he is right. I think my favorite comment was by a friend who said "who cares, you are still you"
2)From my friend Michelle, I learned that when you are loved, that person LOVES you. Thank you so much Michelle. When you wrote about the pain your Jerry was going through, I could so feel it. You showed me that it was the total package that counted. You understood what he gave up to try and be normal. That you understood that he didn't chose this. You didn't just say those things, you showed you really believed in them. That was so instrumental for me. It lead me to ....
3)I Finally can accept what my beloved wife has been telling me. Up until today, I really didn't. I figured she was just trying to say the right things. That she couldn't possibly mean the things she was saying. For example, when we talked on sunday, she made the comment to me that for me to ever move back into the house, things would have to change. I responded that I can't change being gay. She said that wasn't what she was talking about. On Sunday, I couldn't accept that. Now I can. That doesn't mean we will ever live together again. It doesn't mean we won't. It means (I hope I have this right) that I need to work on ME before anything can even be discussed. We are still friends and I am so grateful for that. I NOW think we always will be. I have been very worried about how people will treat HER when they find out I am gay. Now I understand she has already dealt with that. Did I mention she was amazing? She truly is. Neither of us knows what the future will hold. But I did tell her I would let her read this entry. But not the earlier ones. So, I will cut and paste this into an email. It will be exactly the same as what I post. Someday, who knows, I may let her read these things. One of the things I brought up on Sunday was that eventually, she will run into me on a date with someone. I asked her if she would be okay with that. Her response? If they would be okay with her. I had never entertained that thought. It floored me to say the least. She said they might be uncomfortable with her coming up and giving me a hug and kiss. I can't imagine that happening. Everyone loves her. After she explained things to me. (Did I mention I can be pretty dense at times) I could see what she was talking about. As I told her, we have a bond. It may not be the usual one, but it is there. Always will be we both agree. SO, for me to have a relationship with someone, they had better accept that. If they can't accept her, then I have no use for them. It isn't like I have a new woman and that woman is jealous of the old one. I didn't leave the former one for a new one. I moved out because I needed to get my head on straight. Which translates as I am still loving my wife, but accepting the fact that I don't love woman the way I "should". I put that in quotes not because I think I am whatever, but because that is part of my acceptance of who I am. And this week has really been that for me.
Updates: I have started going back to church. I left because I felt the church couldn't accept me. I think the problem was I couldn't accept me. I prayed that I was no longer going to "pray away the gay" I started praying to accept things. I felt very much more at peace afterwards. I think I will continue to go. It isn't the church of my upbringing, I don't think they will ever accept me. Well, they accept us as long as we give up sex. Not really accepting is it? I mean, we are sexual beings. God made me this way and I FINALLY believe he is okay with me. I did say I was a slow learner at the beginning didn't I.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Self Loathing?
Don't have time for a long post, but I have a question for others out there.
I recently had a discussion with my wife and it seems she is more upset with the way I have been treating her over the last time period prior to moving out than she is with my being gay! I cannot seem to wrap my mind around that. I look at it as the treatment was indeed awful, but that is now over. The gayness is still here. To me, that is where her anger should be directed. After a discussion with a vey good friend, I realized that while I have accepted being gay, I still don't want to be gay.
Okay, now for the question: Is this a normal or at least common step in this process? Will I get past this? Of course I will be discussing this with Steve at next session, but I was curious as to how it might be in the "real" world. Please give me some feedback. I really need it.
I recently had a discussion with my wife and it seems she is more upset with the way I have been treating her over the last time period prior to moving out than she is with my being gay! I cannot seem to wrap my mind around that. I look at it as the treatment was indeed awful, but that is now over. The gayness is still here. To me, that is where her anger should be directed. After a discussion with a vey good friend, I realized that while I have accepted being gay, I still don't want to be gay.
Okay, now for the question: Is this a normal or at least common step in this process? Will I get past this? Of course I will be discussing this with Steve at next session, but I was curious as to how it might be in the "real" world. Please give me some feedback. I really need it.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
A week later
Well it has been a week since the news. Like everything else, it has been a roller coaster. Hate to keep using that metaphor, but it so fits things.
At first she was fine. No rush to do anything like splitting up stuff. Monday, I get text that indicates she is not fine anymore. Don't get me wrong. I know that she will be all over the place. But it is dizzying at times. I finally get her to agree to at least come talk to me. We talk for another 2 hours and I think she is okay again. Till the next time. I am not complaining about what she is feeling, that is to be expected. I just don't want her to do anything she will regret later.
Saturday after I told her, she was getting her hair/nails done. I had mine cut earlier and waited around to see her. Well as near as I can figure, she was discussing the separation with her friend there. One of the others overheard and asked her to go outside to talk with her. THEN she came right out and asked her if I was GAY!! She never answered but it appears this lady always thought I was gay. Nosy busybody. I didn't learn about this until Monday btw. I have to say that I did love the text wife sent me the next day. And I quote "We will work out what works best for us. Fuck all others" I hope she can hold onto that thought. For her sake as much as mine. We have built up assets over the years that we want to leave our kids. NOT the lawyers. Or sell at fire sale prices. Sounds crass I guess, but we worked very hard for them. I hope well meaning people will just let the two of us handle things.
At first she was fine. No rush to do anything like splitting up stuff. Monday, I get text that indicates she is not fine anymore. Don't get me wrong. I know that she will be all over the place. But it is dizzying at times. I finally get her to agree to at least come talk to me. We talk for another 2 hours and I think she is okay again. Till the next time. I am not complaining about what she is feeling, that is to be expected. I just don't want her to do anything she will regret later.
Saturday after I told her, she was getting her hair/nails done. I had mine cut earlier and waited around to see her. Well as near as I can figure, she was discussing the separation with her friend there. One of the others overheard and asked her to go outside to talk with her. THEN she came right out and asked her if I was GAY!! She never answered but it appears this lady always thought I was gay. Nosy busybody. I didn't learn about this until Monday btw. I have to say that I did love the text wife sent me the next day. And I quote "We will work out what works best for us. Fuck all others" I hope she can hold onto that thought. For her sake as much as mine. We have built up assets over the years that we want to leave our kids. NOT the lawyers. Or sell at fire sale prices. Sounds crass I guess, but we worked very hard for them. I hope well meaning people will just let the two of us handle things.
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