So, I have been on a journey that I thought with end with the "bomb". Is seems that I still have some ways to go. I hate when they move the goal posts!
Things I have learned recently:
1)From my good friend Buddy I learned that while for me (us) this is very central at this time, most people really don't care much. And I so wanted to believe that, but didn't. Then I started to slowly let close friends know this week. And he is right. I think my favorite comment was by a friend who said "who cares, you are still you"
2)From my friend Michelle, I learned that when you are loved, that person LOVES you. Thank you so much Michelle. When you wrote about the pain your Jerry was going through, I could so feel it. You showed me that it was the total package that counted. You understood what he gave up to try and be normal. That you understood that he didn't chose this. You didn't just say those things, you showed you really believed in them. That was so instrumental for me. It lead me to ....
3)I Finally can accept what my beloved wife has been telling me. Up until today, I really didn't. I figured she was just trying to say the right things. That she couldn't possibly mean the things she was saying. For example, when we talked on sunday, she made the comment to me that for me to ever move back into the house, things would have to change. I responded that I can't change being gay. She said that wasn't what she was talking about. On Sunday, I couldn't accept that. Now I can. That doesn't mean we will ever live together again. It doesn't mean we won't. It means (I hope I have this right) that I need to work on ME before anything can even be discussed. We are still friends and I am so grateful for that. I NOW think we always will be. I have been very worried about how people will treat HER when they find out I am gay. Now I understand she has already dealt with that. Did I mention she was amazing? She truly is. Neither of us knows what the future will hold. But I did tell her I would let her read this entry. But not the earlier ones. So, I will cut and paste this into an email. It will be exactly the same as what I post. Someday, who knows, I may let her read these things. One of the things I brought up on Sunday was that eventually, she will run into me on a date with someone. I asked her if she would be okay with that. Her response? If they would be okay with her. I had never entertained that thought. It floored me to say the least. She said they might be uncomfortable with her coming up and giving me a hug and kiss. I can't imagine that happening. Everyone loves her. After she explained things to me. (Did I mention I can be pretty dense at times) I could see what she was talking about. As I told her, we have a bond. It may not be the usual one, but it is there. Always will be we both agree. SO, for me to have a relationship with someone, they had better accept that. If they can't accept her, then I have no use for them. It isn't like I have a new woman and that woman is jealous of the old one. I didn't leave the former one for a new one. I moved out because I needed to get my head on straight. Which translates as I am still loving my wife, but accepting the fact that I don't love woman the way I "should". I put that in quotes not because I think I am whatever, but because that is part of my acceptance of who I am. And this week has really been that for me.
Updates: I have started going back to church. I left because I felt the church couldn't accept me. I think the problem was I couldn't accept me. I prayed that I was no longer going to "pray away the gay" I started praying to accept things. I felt very much more at peace afterwards. I think I will continue to go. It isn't the church of my upbringing, I don't think they will ever accept me. Well, they accept us as long as we give up sex. Not really accepting is it? I mean, we are sexual beings. God made me this way and I FINALLY believe he is okay with me. I did say I was a slow learner at the beginning didn't I.
As I said, I was going to show this to my wife. She responded and I asked her if it was okay to post her commments and get any comments that your readers might post. Here is her first response:
ReplyDelete"Thank-you for sharing this with me. You have made some real strides. I am especially enlightened by the reason you stopped going to church. NOW it makes sense. I always knew there was more than you were saying, just couldn't put my finger on it (DUH !!) I see you and plan to always be able to. You are still you"
The see you refers to SEE in the movie Avatar.
Now I want to show you the response she gave when I asked her if it was alright to post:
"Sure, you can share with others. That is the way I feel and I don't care who knows"
I think while we may have rough spots. Who doesn't, we will make it.
Gay men often are asked “When did you realize you were gay?” and my response has always been “I guess sometime around puberty”. The answer I’ve often heard is “I’ve always known”. I didn’t always accept that – after all, what would a prepubescent child know about being gay?
ReplyDeleteAn event happened when I was 9 that had a major effect on my family. Eventually my parents separated, and in those years I assumed responsibility for the house and my brothers. Now, because of my birthdate, I was always the youngest in my class, catching up to my brother in grade 3. In a small town, I pretty much went through school with the same class of 25 or so. When the boys were interested in girls, and I wasn’t, I just assumed I’d feel different in near future. There wasn’t any need for a cover, boys out numbered girls 3 to 1, so I wasn’t the only one not dating. I did realize that the interest in girls never materialized, but with all that went on at home, I just suppressed it. In fact, I suppressed most of my memories from before that period.
At 16, I got out of Dodge, moved cross country, got a job and apartment and hoped to create a life for myself. I knew I was gay, I had little doubt. I can’t say I ever hated myself, but I did go through periods of anger and doubt. Every police and news report about some guy stealing women’s underwear off the clothesline, of a peeping tom, of a rape, ended with the words “has latent homosexual tendencies”. Gays dressed flamboyantly, acted effeminate, were perverted and pedophiles. As an adolescent, that scared me – was that what I was to become? By my late teens, I knew enough about stereotypes and fetishes (straight people have them to) and pedophilia had nothing to do with being gay (at least I knew I had no interest). There weren’t a lot of examples to follow, and I wasn’t old enough to go to a bar. I did have my first experience with a guy that year – I knew what I was going into, but I still had the guilt the next day – that confirmation that I was gay.
I still had a lot of fear – that fear drove me to get married. Through the 80’s as attitudes started to change, that fear started to subside, but I did have some anger, with myself for allowing that fear to guide my decisions. I was active in the church when I was 10 to 16. I operated a youth group – we had dances every Friday. The church didn’t care about denominations; I just kept everyone out of trouble. The minister also took me under his wing, counselled me – it made me realize that the events at home were not my fault, nor my problems. I likely wouldn’t have survived my own independence at 16 without it. My wife had a similar upbringing, without the benefit of counselling. Her father died 3 years after we married and they never resolved their issues. I see now, how much that affected her behaviour. After her father passed, her anger and even hatred was aimed at me – she used emotional blackmail and I let her. Yes, it was a marriage of convenience, but it was for her too. Many say I should feel guilt for hiding from her, but I don’t – I worked hard at my career, finished my education, and did as much at home and with the kids as she did (she was a stay at home wife). I never felt we would separate unless she left first or one of us died.
ReplyDeleteThat day came, and I was the one who called it quits. That evening after she left, I sat on the couch with my daughter who was ill, trying to work - I reflected upon things. My first thought was I can finally be who I am. My second, “Holy shit, I can’t believe I actually followed through”. The anger resurfaced, with myself for allowing things to go as far and as long as they did. It took awhile before I forgave myself.
Some memories have surfaced from my childhood which has convinced me that I knew who I was. Despite periods of doubt, confusion, fear and anger, I always knew I was gay. Those emotions weren’t because I was gay – they were a result of not understanding what being gay meant (other than the obvious). The doubt and confusion have been replaced, the fear and anger dissipated. There was an article in NYT – a gay couple were together 60 years, and passed a week apart. Their friends believe he passed from a broken heart. Chances are, I don’t have 60 years left, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find my true love, hopeful for a chance at something I couldn’t see 30 years ago. If it doesn’t happen, I’m still happy – I know who I am, and I know what it means.
Thanks for post. The difference between us is small. Mainly that I was in denial. And because of that, I took my anger out on my poor wife. Who of course did nothing to deserve it. I loved her when I married her and I still love her. I am not sure if I am "in love" with her anymore. I am no longer sure what the hell that even means. I do know that I would do anything for her. And her for me. We are at present closer than we have been in years. To be honest, it would have probably been a lot easier on both of us had we hated each other. As for being the one to call it quits. As I wrote earlier, I was the one who initiated the cascade effect here. She was very very upset with me. After talking, she agreed it was necessary and that she couldn't have done it. I so wanted her to so I could have painted her as the "bad guy" NOW, I am glad she didn't. Why? Because she isn't the bad guy here. And I agree with her that I am not either.
DeleteHate and anger take a lot of energy, you learn to let it go with the healing process. I can't say I ever hated her, just her behavior. These days, I don't see her much, talk once or twice a week in relation to my daughter's care, but that it.
ReplyDeleteYou've accepted that you're gay, you just have to figure out what it means to you. Things do improve.
Thanks Al, I am beginning to get that. My friend Sean was so cool in reminding me that I wouldn't have been where I am with things if I hadn't done this. And he is so right. YES, it has been difficult, but my health both mental and physical are so much better in such a short time. I will need to figure out for myself waht all this means to me. Very well put by the way. But I am starting to get that it is a process that involves more than I could have have realized. And at least for tonight, I have happy with my choice to proceed to be honest with myself and my loved ones.
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