So I had an appointment with Steve yesterday. Funny thing was on Wednesday when received call to remind me, I almost said to cancel it. I felt I was doing well and the thought of sleeping in on Friday was calling to me. Good thing I didn't.
I will try to share enough basics to bring up to speed. We allowed my son's girl friend to move in with us when her dad ran away (a whole movie just in that month period but not here) almost 3 years ago. She comes from a lower middle class or lower background. To her, we must have appeared wealthy. Anyway, to help her finish school and get job we obtained a car for her. It got wrecked. Used the insurance money to get another. Wish she was supposed to get loan to pay for. I nagged for that. As you can guess, I was ignored. So 2 weeks ago, I find out that the car may have a blown engine. I find that out when I went by house to pick up stuff. I get upset. Sarah goes "you can't come by if you get upset. Real life happens here" Kind of pissed me off, but I let it go. So on Thursday, she finds out that this girl did not do as told to get it towed. It is now in impound. Sarah finds out on her way home from business trip. While in the airport in Atlanta with her work colleagues. She explodes! In front of them. Comments made to her included "I've never seen you that mad" So, guess what she does? She calls me Friday morning! Wakes me up with the fact she had to pay almost $700 to get it out of impound. I explode. She seems surprised I mean WTF. I had been trying to get the money for a while and I am against this in the first place. OF course I was going to explode. She made the comment that she yelled at her "Do you think I am made of money?" I responded "Yes, because that is what we have taught her. We enabled her" Of course I did not mean we. but I'm trying to be nice.
So, I am now awake and angry. Get showered and off to therapy. Did I mention that Steve is awesome. So I relate the morning's events. I use this as an example of why I really don't want Sarah handling the finances. In fact, before I went to see him, I sent an email to Sarah. In it I stated while I didn't feel that way now, here were my thoughts when I hung up phone. Okay, I give up. Lets go see the lawyers, lets lose everything we worked to build. I don't care. I can live quite nicely in my little apartment on my salary. YOU cannot live with the bills we have without my salary. But I will not let you drag me down with you.
Steve finally explains to me in a way I grasp, that I am enabling her! He asked me if it was MY responsibility to make sure she doesn't. I said of course it is my responsibility. He asked me again why is it mine. I said well because of the kids etc. Again, he points out things to me that I "knew" but didn't really know. For example that I actually did have a reason for my anger. In the email I sent Sarah I said if the things I said made her angry, not to text or call me until she cooled down. Then I didn't hear from her. So when I got off work, I sent text that I was off work. She called and we had a difficult call. I had melt down, screamed, cried very upset. I do not like myself like that. And I sure as hell don't want anyone else to see or here me like that! I was so angry. I finally acknowledged that anger both to her and myself. She said, I don't understand it, but I get it. I screamed that NO, if she doesn't understand it, she can not possibly get it. The only thing I did "wrong" was be gay. And I can't help that! She had responded to my email with we can talk about this on Sunday when we meet. As for the rest of the stuff, she didn't feel need to comment. So I responded with a comment that I just didn't know I would be in the position of forgiving her. Or that it would be so hard.
Now today, I did say I was a slow learner, I had an amazing revelation while showering. I did not move out because I was gay! I moved out because I was angry. And I have right to be angry. I was just as mistreated as she was by me. And to be honest, hers did come first. But I always felt I married out of my league and therefore should just be grateful for what I had.
So, this morning, I asked if she had told the girl she had until June 1st to move out. Oh and btw, did you read my response. She hadn't. She texts back later that she had read it and her concern was that I don't forgive her. And that she was in a precarious position. So, I knew I had to call her and did. I told her that for ME, I had to forgive her. Eventually, I asked her if her comments were meant as an apology. She said yes. I told her that was the first I had an apology for any of this. At least from my viewpoint. Ah life! Why do we hold on so tightly?
I realized this post was a downer, So, I wanted to add a bright note. Last night I was invited out to dinner in downtown area. It was an upscale place and I was enjoying myself when it occurred to me that I was with two ladies. One of whom "passed" very well, the other one who would not survive close scrutiny at all. Transgender for those who wouldn't know. Now as little as 2 weeks ago, I would have thought, I have to get out of here asap. This time, I thought, who cares. Baby steps but I was thrilled with my reaction.
ReplyDeleteSo, one summer morning, we do our normal routine. After brekkie, I head up to change and go to a client. When I come down, she asks “Where are you going”, and I tell her. “What are you and A up to?”. “Nothing planned.” Around 3pm she calls me, and I know something is up by her tone. She’s had an accident (2nd of 3). “Anyone hurt?, is A ok?”, “We’re home she’s fine”. Upon arriving home, I see the van, rather surprised she managed to drive it home, I figure $10K+ damage to the front end. Inside, the first thing I check is A (X tends to be a little inattentive). “So, tell me what happened.” “Its all his fault, he stopped short.” I explained to her that it is automatically her fault because she hit him from behind. “Did you do a police report?” She hands me a slip of paper with a name and number – that’s it. “You can do the police report.” I explain that not being the driver, and not being present, it was her responsibility. It was a struggle getting her to the station, where she sat as far away as possible – until I dragged her to the counter to fill out the form (she refuses to do forms). I left everything in her hands, including insurance. She told me the insurance company said if there was a claim, they’d cancel the policy. So I paid dearly. It was only later after her 3rd accident I had cause to question the truthfulness of her statement.
ReplyDeleteThis was a situation that played out constantly, more so in our last 10 years. It comes down to control, responsibility and consequences. If you want control, you have to live up to your responsibilities, and there are always consequences. My X only wanted control, the responsibilities and consequences were mine to deal with. It’s a common trait for individuals who have been subject to abuse (including neglect). They also feel entitled, and they tend to exaggerate. I once listened to her whine to a friend about how much it was for her to do laundry – in that time, I had washed, dried and folded two loads. Her co-worker made a remark, how hard the X’s life was, she looked after our daughter all day, then worked evenings. Our daughter was in a full day program. And who looked after her in the evenings after working all day? Me. When she complained about how tough her life was at work, one of her co-orkers (a single mother of 3) grew some balls and told her “You have a husband who looks after the kids, does your house work, cooks, and you have a new car. That doesn’t sound too tough.” She was still pissed hours later when she got home, and when she told me what happened, the only thing I could say, “The truth hurts, huh?”
Yes, I enabled her. Everyone did. I did stop. But her behavior got worse – until I called quits.
Steve is right. This young lady wants control over that vehicle, she has to deal with the responsibilities. However, if your name is on the title, it’s time you took control!. Putting on my rose colored glasses – we all want to help, it makes us feel good. Sometimes the best way to help, is not helping.
As for your post, it is what it is. Good to see you get out. Too often we allow stereotypes to affect our willingness to be in our own community. Its a community, just like any other. If we want acceptance, we have to be accepting. When you meet some who is effeminate, a transvestite, a trangender, into leather, or any number of things, remember they get up the following morning, put on their pants and go to work just like you! It goes back to remarks I've made before - this is where you figure out what being gay means to you.
ReplyDeleteHi Al, At first I was puzzled by your post. Then I reread my words. If I am right I think you misunderstood me. It wasn't because I had any problems at all with my companions. What had happened is I realized that I was being OUT in public. This was the first time I had done anything like this at all. And I was pleased that it didn't bother me if someone came up and figured out "Oh, he must be gay" Believe, I was amazed at my total lack of concern on that front! Still am.
DeleteYou did misunderstand or I didn't mean to infer that it was your companions - I meant just being "out". Its not uncommon, but you do get used to it. That first Xmas dance I went to really didn't bother me. (I go quite pale when I have 1 drink and my eyes were a little bloodshot. My friend kept asking, "Are you ok". With a very pale, deer in the headlights look, I kept telling him I was fine. Being at the dance really didn't bother me, but it did take a time to be accustomed to dancing with a guy, but even then not long.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I am no where near ready for that yet. I hve joke with one of the ladies at work that when the Christmas party comes I am going to show up with a fella. But that might be to soon.
ReplyDeleteAll in your own time. I'm not sure I could take a guy to the office party either, but dancing with a guy at a gay dance....."normal" is relative.
ReplyDelete