So last night, we are watching an older Two and a half Men. (Not the same without Charlie) it is the one where Charlie sleeps with Alans high priced divorce lawyer. Played by Heather Locklear wonderfully. In the episode, Heather gets pissed at Charlie and really screws Alan. I made the off hand comment that no matter what, I haven't screwed your lawyer to my wife.
I listed a couple we have known, used over the years. Her comment and delivery were interesting. She said, you wouldn't be interested in them. Almost like a question. In hindsight, I would have liked to have said: Would that be a problem. Nope, not ready for that yet. Tempting though. The point is that it is the second time recently when she has made comments that can be summed up as defenses of my heterosexuality. I guess you would have to know us both to really understand that comment. Suffice it to say, it struck me as a bit odd.
My thought is that she is trying to figure out what is going on with me. Is she trying to figure out if I am having an affair? You know, the almost acceptable kind with a women. LOL My good friend Dee, doesn't think I should push the issue, but I don't know, it is tempting to try and figure out where she is with this. Lets see, I could honestly respond with "You know dear, I haven't had sex with another woman since I met you.
Now on to AWILTAGM's comment on the last blog.
"If she is okay with it, will you stay married?"
WOW, That is such a question. I have been thinking of it for almost 2 days now. Whenever I am not busy at work etc. I mean, I still love my wife. I do, really. Okay, I am not in love with her. Funny, I first heard that phrase 20+ years ago and thought it odd. Finally I get it. At the beginning of this Mr. Toad's wild ride, I would have said Yes, I would stay married. In fact, it was the thing I wanted most out of coming out. The ability to stay married but have sex with men. To me, that seemed like the perfect world. No impending poverty, no yelling, no tearing the life apart. Seemed idyllic in so many ways. NOW, I can't answer the question. Maybe that is why I sympathize with Jerry so much. The indisputable facts are that wife and I have not had sex in 5+ years. Okay, we aren't alone in that. Their is more to a marriage than sex after all. Over the last few months, I have explored my sexual side (okay, some would say I have become a teenage slut) so I can say that the sex is good and NOT the reason for leaving. I have discovered that with guys you get to "first and second base" a lot faster and with a lot less committment. While that is very nice and can serve a purpose, it really isn't much different that beating off. Sure it releases tension, but you realize you want more. You want a connection. A feeling that when you hold hands, you can almost link minds. Hopeless romantic you might say. I can't argue with you. BUT, I have had that experience so I know it exists. Can I have that with a man? Good question. I think I may have in now so I would have to say yes. I do know that when I was unable to see him for a week, I missed him in a way I haven't missed my wife in a long long time. Is it forbidden fruit (sorry)? Maybe, but it doesn't feel that way.
I gotta say, I think I am glad that she probably won't ask for that. If she does, I don't know what I will do. I know that what I would like to do is to have her read my blog entries (right now, that isn't about to happen) and try to use that for a starting point for so many discussions. I would also like for AWILTAGM to be available for her to talk to if she expressed a desire to talk to someone who has been there. I have decided that if she wanted me to stay hidden for a period of time while she adjusted to it, I would be willing. Her mom is over 91 years old. I think I would be willing to keep things status quo for her lifetime if asked. I do think mom would be okay with it. I have seen her compassion and changes in attitudes for almost 40 years. The woman is incredible. I wouldn't want to hurt her for anything.
That brings up another situation! My family. We haven't been all that close since I moved out almost 43 years ago. Of course parents are gone so that isn't an issue. I do have 4 siblings and several nephews and neices. I wonder how they will take news. Not wonder in the sense of caring so much as just curiousity.
Oh well, time for bed. Sleep anyway. awiltagm, I hope I have answered your question. It isn't a hard and fast answer to be sure, but it is an honest one. IOW, I don't know. I really don't. I wish I could say yes as fast as I could have a couple of months ago. I do. But in some ways, I think where I am now is a bit more realistic. Don't you?
Skier the one thing I have learned from my new founded blogger friends is that every relationship is different and only you have the answers. Advice is simply one persons opinion right or wrong. I would love talk to your wife if she needed someone just let me know. Whatever you do don't push the box before Christmas. The day after fine just not before.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you have found someone that you really like, and that miss when you are not togther. I being a woman think of it this way. You are older and your wife and yourself are dear friends. If your relationship now were to end in three months would you still be happy if you separated from your wife? Life is a bunch of what if's we can only pick the what if we think would be best for us in the future.
What if you didn't find the connection or love you were looking for with a man, would you still be happy with your wife not in your life as an everyday companion, someone to watch tv with, make dinner, clean the house with? If the answer is yes, then don't stay with her, if the answer is no you have more thinking to do.
Good luck, I know how difficult this is, but on the other end. I don't want Jerry to resent me, I love him and just want for him whatever he finds happiness in.
I am glad you asked these questions. I can assure you that I have been asking myself the same questions for quite along time. Do I know the answers? I think I do, but I can't guarentee that I do. The plan right now isn't to go further until after a long planned ski trip to Sweden. Now, here is what I do know. Would I be regretful if I broke up with my boyfriend? No, that would not be a reason for me not to continue. Because what I have with him is something I can't describe. Of course it could be a fascination of the newness here. But if we broke up tomorrow, I know that I would start looking for another guy. Not trying to rekindle my relationship with my wife. It is over. At least in a romantic sense. Yes, I still have feelings for her. And yes, I would LOVE to have a relationship with her as friends. Would I be comfortable with her dating someone? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Except for the fact it would be awkward in this area, I wouldn't object to a double date with her. I think under the right conditions, it would be a lot of fun. Maybe not for the new guy, but then again, who knows.
ReplyDeleteNow back to you. As you said, it is only an opinion but what I would wish for you would be to remain good friends with Jerry. I would like you find someone for romantic company. Someone who liked Jerry would be ideal. Try to imagine a life like that. If that could happen, could you see you and him on a double date? Especially if he and you could talk about it together aftewards? If you can't, then perhaps keeping together isn't a good idea. Over time he might start to resent you and you would lose him as a friend. From what you write, that would be the worst thing that could happen. I hope I haven't offended you with that.
I won't lie to you skier, if Jerry decided he only wanted to be my friend, I would hurt. It would take time for me to get over my loss of a husband, a lifelog companion. I think we could be friends, the way Jerry would like it. I can't see us on a double date becuase honestly, there is no one that I would love more than Jerry.
ReplyDeletePeople say I would get over Jerry, and find someone else. It's nott hat simple though, he isn;t just a guy that I married, or just a friend, he is my everything my soulmate. That's how I know even if we separate, we will still be friends. There is a connection that will always bind me to him, even I tried not to be friend the connection I feel wouldn't allow it.
I could see us talking about his relationships, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I could see Jerry setting me up with other guys, I would go simply to humor him. We will always be the best of friends.
I am impressed. Both with your honesty and insight to yourself. It would hurt, no doubt about that. But, Jerry serves TWO functions for you. Husband and best friend. You would keep one. And to be honest, at least in this point in my life, my friends in many ways are more important. I know that sounds cold and I don't mean it to. But with friends, they aren't usually worried about "losing" you, that gives a lot of (not sure what word to use here) that a spouse doesn't give you. I once had a very very dear friend that I pissed off many years ago. We didn't talk etc for a long time, but when my dad died, he called me up, we reconnected and have been friends ever since. I just can't see that happening with a spouse. The Mama's and The Pappas' John Phillips and Denny Doherty were very close friends. Denny had an affair with Michelle Phillips. After the group broke up, John and Denny resumed their friendship. John and Michelle divorced. Maybe it is a guy thing, I don't know, but friends seem closer somehow. As for the double date thing, dates aren't always about love. Esp double dates. It is usually just a get together. As Sean Connery learned. Never say never. As always, I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteSo I noticed your blog when I was reading AWILTAGM's blog just recently. The reason we found each other is from the support group, Alternate Path. Anyway, my husband's been out to me as bi for a year. We have an open marriage on his side. (I'm super excited for him right now because he found a guy for FWB). but anyway I would also talk to your wife after you come at to her. AWILTAGM has my connect info. I wish you the best. I know it's tough, I watched my husband struggle with it for awhile and then saw the relief on his face when I said I still wanted to be with him. There's also some good books I recommend for your wife to read too. Although you may not want to say "honey i'm gay, but here's some women in the same situation, some books to read and some support groups to join." Everything is going to take time to process.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Ellie. Its kind of surreal at times. It is so hard for me to accept that she could possibly accept this. I would love to have the list.
ReplyDeleteDid you read my blog post on paradise? Or no more doubts? My problem is that if she were to ever read those she would get upset that I didn't stay faithful until I told her. Yet, I wasn't really sure until I wasn't. Okay, that isn't quite correct. After all I did have a "friend" for many years. But it really wasn't until I started to accept myself and explore that I realized I had been fooling myself. Funny, that cost me my friend. So, in the course of a few months, I will have ended an almost 40 year relationship and a 30+ relationship. I have a very close dear friend (female) who I confide in who worries about me. And I appreciate her. A lot. She wants me to talk more with wife. I don't see how I could at this point without going all the way and neither her nor I are ready for that yet. But she may be right and I am just a coward. It is good for me to know that there is a minute chance she could be like you. Who knows, she may just think I am having an affair and will be relived to know it isn't a case of another woman.
Well to be honest with you. Yes you sound like a coward. I know you're waiting for after the holidays before telling her but I don't know that's a good idea. When I first married, I had my whole family over for Mothers Day and had a good time. Then that night he told me he wanted a baby. A couple weeks later he told me he wanted a divorce and that he had cheated on me the night before Mothers Day. I was so hurt. That the night before my whole family came over and the night before he told me he wanted a family, he had cheated on me. Unprotected of course. It just made everything seem fake and ruined a good memory. Now I know Mothers Day isn't a huge holiday like Christmas but I hope you get the comparsion. The cheating thing is going to be the hardest for her to get over. That's going to diminish any trust she had in you. If you want to stay married, I highly suggest laying off the male to male contact after you told her. And truly be open and honest with her so show you want to save your marriage. I know that when my husband told me, I was like whatever you can't help the way you are. But my biggest question and dealbreaker was if he had any male to male contact while we were together. If he's going behind my back that's like lying. And of all the people in the world, he is the one person that I expect not to lie to me. I would be very pissed off and scorned if he did. But I know the guys he's with. if it starts to be a regular with one guy then I meet him. We discuss our schedules for the week so he knows when I'm going to be busy with other things so if he wants to take advantage of that time while I'm gone, he can go ahead. We have lots and lots of communication. We both to therapy as individuals and a couple. Anyway I'm going to post my email addy after this post so if you would be kind enough to delete after you written it down. I kind of don't want to let the world know but if you have any questions or you want a list of things to help your wife, then don't hestite to ask me. As I've said before that this is a process. So with me just being a year and some into it, I'm not expert but I'd like to think that my husband and I have hit a good spot right now. We're both happy individually and happy as a couple.
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