Well, I did it!!!!

It is 1:30 am and I can barely keep my eyes open.  But, I wanted to announce that I did it!  Sarah and I talked tonight, I came clean, I am out to her.  I feel so relieved.  More will come later of course.  Michelle and Iris, Sarah has said she would like to email both of you.  So, I will give her your emails.  Please be gentle.  I tried to be as gentle with her as I could.  I didn't tell her all the misbehavior I have done.  I DID say I hadn't been faithful, and for the present we will leave it at that.  I told everyone, she is amazing.

Three may be the charm

We had our third session tonight.  She really is an amazing woman.  I was very apprehensive going in.  After last week, to say I was gun shy would be an understatement.  Early on, though, I knew she grasped the severity of the situation!  She wanted me to do a suicide contract with Steve.  Okay, that is understandable given my past medical history.  I complained that "here you want me to share my feelings, and I don't think I can now"  Steve (he really is the best) pointed out that I was just trying to be transparent (when did that term gain such prominence?)  Exactly.  I really started this process because I DON'T want to die.  We passed that.  Steve made me promise to call him if I have such thoughts.  Silly really in a way.  When I have such thoughts, I don't want to call anybody.  IOW, it is too late.  But I am going to try.  I have come pretty far after all.  Sarah was looking so good.  When asked by Steve, she said she was doing very well and in fact her boss told her that her presentation was the best in many months.  I looked at her and said you are welcome, but I don't think she grasped the concept.  I told her that if I were in her shoes, I would never take me back.  I mean really, she is getting back to her old self.  And that is due to being away from me.  When pointed out, she said she didn't want the "me" that I am now, she wanted the me she fell in love with.  God how I wish I could produce that person.  I am not at all sure he can be saved.  Overall it was a good session.  No matter what, I think she will be okay.  That is so important to me.  To be honest, I don't think even I realized how much that was important to me.  She said she wanted me to focus on getting me better.  GUILT? anyone?  I mean, one the one hand, I think she will take pity on me and understand that this hasn't been easy for me.  She says she will anyway.  But damn, how can I expect her to accept that I am gay?  Or that I might be gay?  Or that I am not sure?  To be honest, I really do wish I hadn't started this journey.  I mean, why was I so selfish?  She has been a good wife.  True, I don't agree with a lot of the ways we did the child rearing.  But, it isn't like they are monsters.  I have so many self doubts.  On the one hand, I think: Okay, now is the time to open up and tell her everything.  OTOH, I think: She may accept the seperation/divorce better if she doesn't know all the details.  We talked about the "sabbatical" tonight as well.  She thinks it is a good idea for a lot of reasons.  BUT, we haven't touched on the rules we will have.  Can we date for example?   It was almost like she was "Okay, we live in seperate places.  Nothing else has changed"  Will I have to spell it our for her?  I want human closeness?  I will be seeing other people?  And since I don't think she has considered that at all, I will have to go through this again.  Damn, this is so much harder than I thought it would be.  And believe me, I thought it would be hard. 

Thanks to all for your support.
AND, I am so glad AWILWAGM is doing well.  It is one of the things I hold on to.  Also thanks to her for whatever reason she had her friend Iris read my posts.  Those comments have been so helpful as well.
I do hope the next generation doesn't have to deal with what we have.
Night all.

Well, the anger came out. And how!

I saw this picture and thought: Wow that is how I feel.  Funny, when I was younger I really liked roller coasters.  LIVING on one just isn't as much fun though.

So Friday we have another session.  Last week I was worried about HER because she was taking too much blame on herself.  This week, not so much.  Apparently while maybe not all my fault.  It mostly is.  This time I was the one caught off guard.  I guess she just took longer to express her hurt/anger.  But like the overachiever she is, she made up for lost time.  I will never schedule an appointment at 8am again!!  In the first place, I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't get back to sleep thinking about later that day.  Secondly and more important, I was not in shape to go to work afterwards.  But I had to.  One of the longest days in my life I think.  Such a headache I had by the end.  I sent Sarah a text saying we needed to talk (like counselor says, we avoid things and I am trying not to here)  Her response was okay, I will call tomorrow.  To confess I didn't take that very well.  At first I said okay, but since I had a long drive, I thought and thought about it.  SO I pressed the issue.  When she said she couldn't because she was going to watch a friend play pool, I kind of lost it.  I mean really?  I / we are less important?  I may have been unreasonable, and I have since apologized, but I have tried to minimize her hurting.  So she finally does call me and talks.  She is upset I pushed the issue and tried to make it sound like "oh, we talk when YOU want to?"  So, afterwards, I feel like a real piece of crap.  Bad thoughts etc.  Went to see friend who talked me down so to speak.  By Saturday, I was doing much better.  So, I went with earlier plans and picked up furniture and set up delivery time.  I even planned my first night of what I am going to cook.  Enchiladas and refried beans.  Maybe some mexican rice, and of course Margaritas!  Here are some pics of what I will be getting.  Sarah is pleased with my picks. 

The above is the bedroom set.  Hidden storage in the headboard and the night stand is setup to have stuff plugged in like my cell phone.  To the left is the living room set I picked out.  IF things work out and we get back together, we have a place to put these things to replace older stuff.  If not, I won't have to have junk.

Here is the Dining room set.  So there you have it.  This is becoming a reality very quickly.  Now all I have to do is go out and get dishes/pots etc.  Planned to do that today, but had to go into work so it will have to wait a bit.    At least I have a list to help me. 

Went by mom's today to drop off some requested things.  Sarah and her mom and I sat in kitchen and it was almost like old times.  Some laughter even.  I have to say my timing couldn't be worse though.  Mom had a fall this morning and it looks like we will have to be discussing her as well.  In addition, she was told she can no longer drive.  The woman started when she was 11!!  Seriously, it was 1931 and things were a bit different back then.  If I had known she was going to take turn for worse NOW, I would have waited.  But maybe it is for the best.  I hope so!  I really do love that woman.  She has been better to me than my own mother for a long long time.

Hurts more than expected

After Friday's session and the surreal experience of watch my Alma Mater lose in the NCAA basketball tourney Saturday night, I thought the worst was over for now. 
I was wrong.  Yesterday, monday was worse.  She delivered news to her mom.  I absolutely love my mother-in-law.  Mom offered the suggestion that it might be better for her to stay there until I move out.  Let me back up a bit.  On Saturday, wife calls brother with news.  I can understand that, they are very close.  The bad thing was my 28 year old daughter overheard the conversation.  Not the way I wanted her to find out to say the least.  The 3 of us watched the game Saturday night since we are all alumni or current students.  You would have thought I dreamed the previous 24 hours.  NOTHING was said.  Okay, with our family culture, that is understandable.  I was hurt my brother-in-law didn't answer my text though.  We have always been close.  I have know him since he was 13!  I gave him good advice about a girl that kept him from getting trapped (yes, the old fashioned "pregnant so you have to marry me kind of trap).  I was supportive when he and his wife had their difficulties before they married.  I could go on but you get the idea.  So, when wife told her mom, I expected similiar things. Mom did say she wasn't surprised.   OKAY, I get that blood is thicker than water etc. 
One thing I neglected to mention was that at session on Friday, wife (oh hell, Sarah) asked me if I could move out sooner.  She felt that it might be a long 6 weeks of both of us being uncomfortable under the same roof.  On saturday, I met with the apartment people and moved up the date by 4 weeks.  NOW, keep in mind, that SHE said she wants to work on repairing things.  And Steve thinks she may be okay with my being gay and WANT to stay together.  Don't see how that will work, but I am open to trying.  It has been difficult and it has only been a few days.  SO, last night, she says she will stay at her mom's.  I thought I was okay with it.  She said this morning that she would see me on Friday.  That is next therapy session.  And she left!  It hit me harder than I expected.  After all, I am the one who initiated all this didn't I?  I should be happy or at least relieved that I don't have to walk on egg shells for the next 11 days.  I am not. 
Together we posted on Facebook the situation.  Well, to be precise, I composed something and she said it sounded good so I posted it.  I have to say, I was gratified at the outpouring of support for both of us from friends we have known for decades. 
Today, she told our 18 year old son.  I really wanted to be there for that.  She said it wasn't necessary.  After all, he and I have been at odds for a couple of years anyway.  I hate when I am right sometimes!!  He was upset, I don't know what she said, but he blames himself.  Granted, he didn't make things any easier and he was a factor in our problems, but that if I had been there like I wanted, I could have at least let him know it wasn't his fault.  Without going into details. 
So, here I am at home.  Alone.  I know I shouldn't do this, but I do plan on drinking heavily.  I just want to be unconscience and I cannot turn off my thoughts!  Luckily, I got off work a bit early so I can do this and be awake to work tomorrow. 
To AWILWIGM and Ellie Mae, a thank you for the perspective you give me of what my wife may be about to go through. 
I don't want anyone to think I am in a downward spiral.  I know this is the best course in the long run.  I do know that, but tonight, I am going to deal with it the only way I can! 

Not too bad actually

Well, we had are session with therapist today.  I am embarassed to say I blubbered like a baby during it.  But it was cathartic.  My wife realized that she played a role.  NO, I did not come out yet.  Therapist said to take it slow so I did.  Almost spilled the beans when I thought she was about to ask.  She was apparently both clueless and aware at the same time!  That is a feat!!!.  Lots of tears when I said I had to move out.  She understands why on a level though.  I so dreaded going back to work.  Then I dreaded the drive home.  Got there before she did though and thought "okay, I can be passed out with luck"  I know, terrible.  Kids came by, thought "okay, I won't have to discuss anything".  Then they left and she came home.  We talked, cried and realized it is a passage we MUST take.  She is truly amazing.  Without my going into some of the problems, she took responsibility for some of the problems.  I still felt aweful and kept apologizing.  She said it was her fault as well.  I so wanted to come forth with more information.  But I really do think (or am I kidding myself) that she isn't ready yet.  Damn I hate we are both analytical at times.  Guess what her first comment was at therapist?  Furniture, we need to figure out what you will do for furniture.  Steve later described her as stoic!  Ya think?  And before anyone thinks she is an ice princess, she isn't, it was her way of dealing with things.  Hours later when we were both home, we talked more.  How I dreaded that, but it was okay.  Really.  I am beginning to think we can come through this stronger like she said.  But then, she still has another shoe to drop. 

Anyone know a way I can go back in time say about 3 years?  YES, I know I made a big step, Yes, I know it is for the best.  But damn, what do I do later when more comes out???? 

God I hate drama, and yet, I seem to be destined to live in it.

But OTOH, she is one amazing woman!!

Commencing countdown Major Tom

Well, it is a beautiful day here.  Of course that is a matter of opinion.  I wanted winter to last a bit longer.  Had to cancel weekend get together for many reasons.  I hope all understand.  Please send me dates for a future redo.
It occurred to me the other day that my wife has a lot of friends who either married or dated gays.  Her maid of honor, her roommates in college and a few others.  Those are the ones we know of.  Didn't seem to bother her.  Her brother and his wife know similar situations.  Maybe this won't be as bad as I imagine it to be. 
We don't know what happened last night, but both me and spouse may have gotten a touch of food poisoning last night.  I am feeling better now (4 pounds lighter.  LOL)  But she is not yet.  So, I have the afternoon to myself.  Amazing, I have no idea what I will do.  I wonder how it will be for me when I am always by myself?  I hadn't considered that.  Of course, I think if I was in apartment now, I might just head to the weights or treadmills.  Today, the roller coaster ride is UP.  I guess I should just enjoy that.  Friday is still on the horizon.
Thanks to Buddy and Cubby for their words of encouragement.

Another step to the cliff taken

Well, I am shaky, but another step was taken about 10 minutes ago.  I followed through and asked my wife to join me at therapy session on the 16th.  Wasn't sure I could do it to be honest.  They say things happen for a reason and I am beginning to believe it.  I have a friend on Facebook and I had never read his blog.  Until yesterday.  I read his very first entry.  I cannot explain why, but it gave me the strength to follow through this morning.  Now if I could only stop shaking enough to type.  LOL.  Too damn early for a drink and I sure wish it weren't.  More later on this I hope.  Thanks to all for your support.  And a special thinks to Tim.

Baby steps, Big steps

Well, it has been a long time since I have written anything.  I wish I could say it has been calm and serene.  But that wouldn't be real life now would it?
Wife and I had big ski trip planned to Sweden in February.  We were going to go with friends, including a lovely lady from Denmark who had been our exchange student 20+ years ago.  She has a little boy now who we consider a grandson.  So far so good.  But then in January, my wife has a very bad ski fall and tears up her knee.  I am ashamed to admit this, but my first thought when I found out she needed surgery was "damn, that throws my time table right out the damn window." 
   Here I was afraid I would chicken out and had steeled myself to complete the task set and I feel like I cannot at this time.  I need to be there for her.  So, no bombshell.  Now, 2 months later, surgery still isn't scheduled.  I have been continuing to go to therapy and we have come up with a plan B.  Which may actually be better than my original one.  My therapist Steve, suggested that I approach this with small steps.  So to begin with, I will just say I need a sabbatical.  In that vein, I have taken a very big step.  I signed a lease on an apartment and will be moving out in 8 weeks!  I am very excited and terrified at the same time.  Hopefully, when I discuss this with her in 2 weeks at therapist office, this way will be less painful.  Steve says (and I agree) that there is no need to tell her I am gay just yet.  Of course I will have to tell her because I don't want anyone else to tell her.  That would be so wrong.  She has done nothing to deserve that kind of thing.  Steve has also talked to me about the possibility of us getting together and living as friends after the sabbatical if she wants to and I want to after the year of therapy for both of us.  That is the really great thing about Steve, he wants to be there for her as much as for me. 
   It is going to be big changes for both of us but the bottom line is I have to do this.  I will lose my mind if I don't.  The stress over the last couple of months has started to adversely affect my health, work and life in ways I couldn't have imagined.  When I signed the lease on tuesday, I was shaking so badly it was hard to sign the check.  I knew at that moment there was no turning back.  And all in all, I am glad I have forced myself this way.  And this time delay will prove to be a good thing.  Thanks to everyone who has written to show support.  I don't think I would have lasted this long without it.  Special thanks to Will.  His comment to last blog yesterday couldn't have been more timely and welcomed.  It is the main reason I felt I could write today.  Next weekend I have already made plans to get away with some friends skiing, all who know the situation so I should have the support I need to help me the following Friday.  I just hope they show up.  LOL
Have a great day.  I have been told it gets better and I am trying hard to really believe it.