Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Another step to the cliff taken
Well, I am shaky, but another step was taken about 10 minutes ago. I followed through and asked my wife to join me at therapy session on the 16th. Wasn't sure I could do it to be honest. They say things happen for a reason and I am beginning to believe it. I have a friend on Facebook and I had never read his blog. Until yesterday. I read his very first entry. I cannot explain why, but it gave me the strength to follow through this morning. Now if I could only stop shaking enough to type. LOL. Too damn early for a drink and I sure wish it weren't. More later on this I hope. Thanks to all for your support. And a special thinks to Tim.
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I know you and your therapist have a plan but I guess I just have one question. What are you going to tell her the reason why you want to move out? That question is going to come up. She's going to start reexamining every little thing about your relationship and somehow blame herself for you wanting to move out. She's going to think that she didn't want to sex enough or she wasn't good enough for you to want to stay. No matter how many ways you put it, unless you tell her the real reason why you're moving out, she's always going to question herself. I did that for years about my ex-husband and the divorce itself. When I started dating my current husband, I didn't think I could ever keep a relationship going. I thought that my current husband would leave me because I didn't want to have sex enough or because sometimes I snap at him. But then I realized that my ex-husband was gay. That's why he drank so much and that's why he hated himself. I don't know, that's just my two cents.
ReplyDeleteLet me comment on the last line first. It is why I drink so much and hate myself as well. From what I can tell, that is probably the one thing in common we closeted gays have.
ReplyDeleteAs to what I will tell her. Steve agrees with me that I will answer all questions honestly. It isn't just being gay after all. I REALLY need to be on my own to get my head together. And I do think she knows more than she is letting on. So, she will only ask if she really wants to have confirmation. She knows sex is an issue (5+ years without) The fact is she IS good enough for me to stay. But I can't handle it at the moment. It is like she is the best friend, but doesn't "like me like that" syndrome. If she wants couple counseling, I am open to that. It's funny, Steve asked me if I would be okay with her seeing someone romantically. Should have seen his face when I said YES. And I mean it. If I can't be what she needs, I want her to have someone! Maybe I am just a big ole girl, but I think everyone needs affection and in a physical way. Even if only cuddling. If after the year is up and she wants me to move back and we can work out an arrangement, I am fine with leaving that open as an option. The ball has been in my court long enough.
I try but can't really imagine the levels of stress you must feel. You are about to change your life, but in doing so you will be changing the lives of many others. It is a necessary thing. In the end everyone will be better off even though the journey to get there will be bumpy. Good luck on the 16th.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Cubby, you have said why I really am grateful to those I have met online. You understand on a level no one else can. Yes, I am feeling a great deal of stress. I am trying my best to cope, but there are days when I feel like I'm failing. This week was a bad one for me. The situation has affected my work and I don't know if I can continue. I will of course, but I will be so glad when this is over.
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