We had our third session tonight. She really is an amazing woman. I was very apprehensive going in. After last week, to say I was gun shy would be an understatement. Early on, though, I knew she grasped the severity of the situation! She wanted me to do a suicide contract with Steve. Okay, that is understandable given my past medical history. I complained that "here you want me to share my feelings, and I don't think I can now" Steve (he really is the best) pointed out that I was just trying to be transparent (when did that term gain such prominence?) Exactly. I really started this process because I DON'T want to die. We passed that. Steve made me promise to call him if I have such thoughts. Silly really in a way. When I have such thoughts, I don't want to call anybody. IOW, it is too late. But I am going to try. I have come pretty far after all. Sarah was looking so good. When asked by Steve, she said she was doing very well and in fact her boss told her that her presentation was the best in many months. I looked at her and said you are welcome, but I don't think she grasped the concept. I told her that if I were in her shoes, I would never take me back. I mean really, she is getting back to her old self. And that is due to being away from me. When pointed out, she said she didn't want the "me" that I am now, she wanted the me she fell in love with. God how I wish I could produce that person. I am not at all sure he can be saved. Overall it was a good session. No matter what, I think she will be okay. That is so important to me. To be honest, I don't think even I realized how much that was important to me. She said she wanted me to focus on getting me better. GUILT? anyone? I mean, one the one hand, I think she will take pity on me and understand that this hasn't been easy for me. She says she will anyway. But damn, how can I expect her to accept that I am gay? Or that I might be gay? Or that I am not sure? To be honest, I really do wish I hadn't started this journey. I mean, why was I so selfish? She has been a good wife. True, I don't agree with a lot of the ways we did the child rearing. But, it isn't like they are monsters. I have so many self doubts. On the one hand, I think: Okay, now is the time to open up and tell her everything. OTOH, I think: She may accept the seperation/divorce better if she doesn't know all the details. We talked about the "sabbatical" tonight as well. She thinks it is a good idea for a lot of reasons. BUT, we haven't touched on the rules we will have. Can we date for example? It was almost like she was "Okay, we live in seperate places. Nothing else has changed" Will I have to spell it our for her? I want human closeness? I will be seeing other people? And since I don't think she has considered that at all, I will have to go through this again. Damn, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. And believe me, I thought it would be hard.
Thanks to all for your support.
AND, I am so glad AWILWAGM is doing well. It is one of the things I hold on to. Also thanks to her for whatever reason she had her friend Iris read my posts. Those comments have been so helpful as well.
I do hope the next generation doesn't have to deal with what we have.
Night all.
Kevin, I'm trying to wrap my head around how you'd like to resolve your situation. It appears that you don't really know what you want. If that is true then (as difficult as it is) I strongly suggest that you not complicate matters by dating, yet.
ReplyDeleteSeparating from someone you've spent 40 years with is not likely to be an overnight adjustment. You might find that you miss her more than you expect. She might find that she misses you enough to want a regular sex life. If you start dating now she will be deeply hurt, perhaps so deeply that her feelings for you will forever change. Is that how you want to end your 40 year relationship, the most important relationship of your life?
No one likes this kind of uncertainty in their lives. She will want some kind of resolution sooner rather than later. Take this time to figure out exactly you want and use the therapy sessions to communicate those wants to her in a non-threatening way. That should be a good way to gently change your relationship without permanently hurting her, yourself, or destroying your long connection.
My two cents, for what they're worth. I hope you don't mind that I've shared my opinion.
Mind? Hell, I welcome it. And you are completely correct. I DON'T know what I want. Every time I think I do, it seems I find out that that isn't it. I woke up this morning determined to tell her. Last night, when I saw how strong she returned to, I realized that she will be okay no matter what happens. As she said, she had become very frail and as she put it "stupid". As scared as I was about me, I was more worried about her. It is a huge weight off my shoulders to know that. And I really think I might be strong enough to do it without Steve.
ReplyDeleteYou are also right about missing her. Since the morning she left, I have been dealing with grief on a higher scale than I expected. I am not sure if I put this in blog at the beginning, but I was a physically and sexually abused child/teenager. She knows about the physcial, but I don't think she knows about the sexual. It was by my father who she does know was gay. I am hoping that when we have discussion, I can point out to her that I DID / DO love her. And hope she understands the denial that I was going through.
Again thanks for your thoughts.
Kevin! Oh my gosh, your story is getting way too familiar! Without revealing too much, all I can say is that my husband confessed his SSA in September, and then just about a month ago I learned all about his childhood. Everything - and it was very bad. He had never told a soul and once he did, the "gay thing" kind of flew to the back burner. We decided now was not the time to make any big changes about anything because he is now dealing with things coming up (the shitstorm) as he calls it. Nightmares, intrusive thoughts - the whole ball of wax. I would be afraid to send him out on his own at this point and he is ok where we are right now. Have you dealt with your abuse issues? If you have then I'm sure you know abuse is not about sex, it is about power and control over a child who did nothing wrong. Most men who abuse children (boys and girls) are heterosexual.
ReplyDeleteNow - I believe your situation is different because you have acted on your SSA and haven't told her the whole story yet, but I really agree with Two Lives above that knowing what you want, and dealing with it while you are in therapy is a good idea. She is going to look to you for the answers and assume you are the one deciding the fate of this situation. If you seem unsure, she will assume there is hope.
I found your blog thru someone else's blog - but remembered seeing you comment on Michelle's blog. She is a dear person to me. I would be happy to email you offline if you would like - let me know how to contact you.
Best,
Iris
Thanks Iris, Michelle has my email address. Show her this okay. She has been a godsend in so many ways for me. It is good to hear from you again.
ReplyDeleteI went through therapy 20+ years ago. The good thing about that was I did deal with the abuse issue. The bad thing was that Therapist convinced me I wasn't gay and could change. It "worked" for awhile. In the sense that I was able to submerge my feelings. Not completely, but I believed it would happen over time with practice and regular sex with my wife. Buddy Bear's blog had something in it a long time ago about the 4 choices. If I remember correctly one was to avoid it and enjoy sex with wife, realizing that with time, women tend to lose interest and time isn't exactly a friend. Funny, Sarah has aged beautifully! Most people are sure she is 10 years younger than she is. But since we haven't had sex in years, the "control" I thought I had crumbled. This process has shown us both how much we do love each other though. But in a perverse way, that has made things more difficult.
Having said that, seeing her so strong last night will be good for the process.
Oh, I am soooo glad Michelle is doing well. Of course for her sake, but also because it gives me hope that she and I will be okay in the long run.