So Friday we have another session. Last week I was worried about HER because she was taking too much blame on herself. This week, not so much. Apparently while maybe not all my fault. It mostly is. This time I was the one caught off guard. I guess she just took longer to express her hurt/anger. But like the overachiever she is, she made up for lost time. I will never schedule an appointment at 8am again!! In the first place, I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't get back to sleep thinking about later that day. Secondly and more important, I was not in shape to go to work afterwards. But I had to. One of the longest days in my life I think. Such a headache I had by the end. I sent Sarah a text saying we needed to talk (like counselor says, we avoid things and I am trying not to here) Her response was okay, I will call tomorrow. To confess I didn't take that very well. At first I said okay, but since I had a long drive, I thought and thought about it. SO I pressed the issue. When she said she couldn't because she was going to watch a friend play pool, I kind of lost it. I mean really? I / we are less important? I may have been unreasonable, and I have since apologized, but I have tried to minimize her hurting. So she finally does call me and talks. She is upset I pushed the issue and tried to make it sound like "oh, we talk when YOU want to?" So, afterwards, I feel like a real piece of crap. Bad thoughts etc. Went to see friend who talked me down so to speak. By Saturday, I was doing much better. So, I went with earlier plans and picked up furniture and set up delivery time. I even planned my first night of what I am going to cook. Enchiladas and refried beans. Maybe some mexican rice, and of course Margaritas! Here are some pics of what I will be getting. Sarah is pleased with my picks.
The above is the bedroom set. Hidden storage in the headboard and the night stand is setup to have stuff plugged in like my cell phone. To the left is the living room set I picked out. IF things work out and we get back together, we have a place to put these things to replace older stuff. If not, I won't have to have junk.
Here is the Dining room set. So there you have it. This is becoming a reality very quickly. Now all I have to do is go out and get dishes/pots etc. Planned to do that today, but had to go into work so it will have to wait a bit. At least I have a list to help me.
Went by mom's today to drop off some requested things. Sarah and her mom and I sat in kitchen and it was almost like old times. Some laughter even. I have to say my timing couldn't be worse though. Mom had a fall this morning and it looks like we will have to be discussing her as well. In addition, she was told she can no longer drive. The woman started when she was 11!! Seriously, it was 1931 and things were a bit different back then. If I had known she was going to take turn for worse NOW, I would have waited. But maybe it is for the best. I hope so! I really do love that woman. She has been better to me than my own mother for a long long time.
I understand that Mom means a lot to you and I really don't mean to sound heartless BUT if you delayed for everything that is going to come up along the way, you will never have the opportunity to move forward.
ReplyDeleteThat is a good point. OTOH, what would a couple more months mean compared to the decades I have already wasted? And to be honest, I have always wondered if she would take the news as well as I suspect.
ReplyDeleteI like the dining set best although I'm not crazy for the sculpture(?) on the table.
ReplyDeleteI hope your mother's OK -- falls for an older person can be devastating. And the best of luck with everything else that's happening; you deserve it.
Hi Will,
ReplyDeleteyes, the rug and the sculptures leave much to be desired. Actually it is Sarah's mom. And believe me, I know. I'm in the health field. Pneumonia after an injury is the number one killer of the elderly. But she is doing well. Thanks.
Congrats on the steps forward. I know it was the hardest thing Jerry ever went through. To him, and now me it was all WORTH it. You have read my blog you know struggle and the hardships I went through. Jerry's hardships are unmentioned. To this day i don;t know that I will ever uderstand personally what he went through, guilt, sadness, loss, joy, freedom.....
ReplyDeleteThe things is though, you're personally confusing me. What do you want from your wife. You need to be clear to yourself, and also to her. The confusion of leaving, staying, working on things, not working is a large toll for both of you and can and will cause more turmoil than peace. My only suggestion figure out what IT is you are going for, stick to it. Do not spare her feelings if you want or need something different than she does.
If Jerry was more clear to me, my anguish wouldn't have lasted as long as it did. I for myself, needed the clarity he was felt too guilty to provide. I have always been black and white grey never worked for me. I NEEDED Jerry to say, Michelle while I love you, the feelings I have withyou are not the feelings that I have when I am with .... I am sorry that I am hurting, but this life makes me happeir and provides me with a happiness you will NEVER be able to provide for me. I DO NOT like VAJJ's and I never will!!!
Recently he was able to provide this for me, and I feel such a sense of closure and happiness for both of us. Without the closure, without his directness I would have continued holding on to him. I am a VERY LOYAL person, and no matter what he did or what his actions were, there was something inside me that wouldn't have been able to let him go, without that clarity and assurity that all of this is what he needs and wants.
Listen to your wife! What does she need to hear? What do you want? What are you and her working for? Are you bisexual and can you work this out, or are you just looking to stay married to your wife for the friendship?
Jerry and I are completely over and he will move out. he also knows he may move back in with us at anytime for any reason. We will always be friends, but I know and nderstand now we both have our own lives to lead. (I know we are also much younger, but we have know each other for 16 years.)
I'm so proud of your personal accomplishments. As Jack Scott said: Without sadness we would never know Joy, without failure we wouldn't be able to enjoy our successes. Good luck to you. I am always here if you need, or your wife needs someone to talk to you. You have my e-mail don;t be afraid to use it!
Your Friend,
Michelle
Michelle,
ReplyDeleteYou are completely right. The problem is I don't know what I want from her. I thought I did. Now I'm not sure. I do want to retain the friendship. 40 years is a very long time. If she wanted to share continue to show affection with the understanding that I have needs she cannot meet (remember, she isn't interested in sex at all anymore and hasn't been for years) and would like for me to stay for companionship. I am not sure that isn't someone I also want. Remember for years that kind of was the situation. AND I was okay with that in many ways. It was the keeping the secret that really ate at me. We are both getting older and who knows, I may lose interest in sex as well. Okay, not likely but OTOH, a regular sex life AND nightly cuddling from her wouldn't be a bad thing.
Having said that, I know (and she would have to realize) that there is a chance I will find Mr. Right someday. As I said, I don't see how it could possibly work. But until I know how she feels, I will keep all options open. And this time, I will be completely honest. And yes, I do have your email. With your permission, I will share it with her if she asks.
Kevin