After Friday's session and the surreal experience of watch my Alma Mater lose in the NCAA basketball tourney Saturday night, I thought the worst was over for now.
I was wrong. Yesterday, monday was worse. She delivered news to her mom. I absolutely love my mother-in-law. Mom offered the suggestion that it might be better for her to stay there until I move out. Let me back up a bit. On Saturday, wife calls brother with news. I can understand that, they are very close. The bad thing was my 28 year old daughter overheard the conversation. Not the way I wanted her to find out to say the least. The 3 of us watched the game Saturday night since we are all alumni or current students. You would have thought I dreamed the previous 24 hours. NOTHING was said. Okay, with our family culture, that is understandable. I was hurt my brother-in-law didn't answer my text though. We have always been close. I have know him since he was 13! I gave him good advice about a girl that kept him from getting trapped (yes, the old fashioned "pregnant so you have to marry me kind of trap). I was supportive when he and his wife had their difficulties before they married. I could go on but you get the idea. So, when wife told her mom, I expected similiar things. Mom did say she wasn't surprised. OKAY, I get that blood is thicker than water etc.
One thing I neglected to mention was that at session on Friday, wife (oh hell, Sarah) asked me if I could move out sooner. She felt that it might be a long 6 weeks of both of us being uncomfortable under the same roof. On saturday, I met with the apartment people and moved up the date by 4 weeks. NOW, keep in mind, that SHE said she wants to work on repairing things. And Steve thinks she may be okay with my being gay and WANT to stay together. Don't see how that will work, but I am open to trying. It has been difficult and it has only been a few days. SO, last night, she says she will stay at her mom's. I thought I was okay with it. She said this morning that she would see me on Friday. That is next therapy session. And she left! It hit me harder than I expected. After all, I am the one who initiated all this didn't I? I should be happy or at least relieved that I don't have to walk on egg shells for the next 11 days. I am not.
Together we posted on Facebook the situation. Well, to be precise, I composed something and she said it sounded good so I posted it. I have to say, I was gratified at the outpouring of support for both of us from friends we have known for decades.
Today, she told our 18 year old son. I really wanted to be there for that. She said it wasn't necessary. After all, he and I have been at odds for a couple of years anyway. I hate when I am right sometimes!! He was upset, I don't know what she said, but he blames himself. Granted, he didn't make things any easier and he was a factor in our problems, but that if I had been there like I wanted, I could have at least let him know it wasn't his fault. Without going into details.
So, here I am at home. Alone. I know I shouldn't do this, but I do plan on drinking heavily. I just want to be unconscience and I cannot turn off my thoughts! Luckily, I got off work a bit early so I can do this and be awake to work tomorrow.
To AWILWIGM and Ellie Mae, a thank you for the perspective you give me of what my wife may be about to go through.
I don't want anyone to think I am in a downward spiral. I know this is the best course in the long run. I do know that, but tonight, I am going to deal with it the only way I can!
Yeah if it was me, i would just say ok family lets sit and talk. and then tell them about being gay and that's reasoning for moving out. instead of your wife and kids trying to replay every event in their minds to try to find what went wrong. That's only me though. I prefer people to be as straight forward as possible. no use in beating around a bush when there isn't any reason too. good luck skier, it's going to be rough for a while but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteI wish it were that simple. That light is a train coming from the other side to run me over.
ReplyDeleteFrom the perspective of another straight wife - my husband told me in Sept 2011 about his SSA. He's not been in a relationship with anyone else. We've been married 14 years. In this length of time I have gone from telling him we should separate, to stay together, to separate, to "you never loved me did you", to ....well you get the picture. Sometimes I've said things I later realize was just to see if he would agree with me, and then been shocked that he did (stuff like "maybe it's best we don't live together" or "why don't you take your wedding ring off"). Roller coaster is the best description - it's overused, but it's truly the best.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing that may come up is that her denial won't let her believe you are all-the-way-gay. I was convinced my husband just HAD to be bisexual for the first couple of months after disclosure. How could we have possibly had sex for so many years? It was really important to me because it meant we had a chance (in my mind) to have an alternative kind of marriage. It also helped me feel like our years together weren't fake or a lie. He didn't want to hurt me (or truly didn't know) so he would say "maybe" he was, or be non-committal. If you know for sure then don't spare anyone's feelings, those words will give your wife a reason to hope. Mostly, just make sure she knows that you love her, you always have loved her and probably always will - and that none of your time together was a waste.
Best of luck to you both!
Iris
First, let me say thank you Iris! I guess the way I think of it NOW is that there are straight guys who have had sex with guys. So, why would it seem so strange for a gay guy to have sex with a woman? Esp since we are "supposed to" I do love my wife. Very much so in fact. After last week's session when she didn't kill me I realized just how much she loves me. In fact, I feel esp guilty that I cannot love in the same capacity. I hope Sarah understands that our years together were NOT a fake or a lie! How can anyone know for sure? I wrote about that in my blog about no doubts, but still I can not say for sure. I mean, I do know I like M2M sex. But it has been so many years since I had sex with a sexy woman. That sounds mean, but I don't mean it to. My wife is 61 after all. But I DO know that I enjoy pics of both sexes. But I really do think I prefer those of men. Esp when they are in their 30's. Not twinks
ReplyDeleteJust a quick question. Is Sarah you wife's name or a pseudonym?
ReplyDeleteOMG no, I just got tired of typing "my wife or the wife etc) And I like the name Sarah
ReplyDelete