So I had an appointment with Steve yesterday. Funny thing was on Wednesday when received call to remind me, I almost said to cancel it. I felt I was doing well and the thought of sleeping in on Friday was calling to me. Good thing I didn't.
I will try to share enough basics to bring up to speed. We allowed my son's girl friend to move in with us when her dad ran away (a whole movie just in that month period but not here) almost 3 years ago. She comes from a lower middle class or lower background. To her, we must have appeared wealthy. Anyway, to help her finish school and get job we obtained a car for her. It got wrecked. Used the insurance money to get another. Wish she was supposed to get loan to pay for. I nagged for that. As you can guess, I was ignored. So 2 weeks ago, I find out that the car may have a blown engine. I find that out when I went by house to pick up stuff. I get upset. Sarah goes "you can't come by if you get upset. Real life happens here" Kind of pissed me off, but I let it go. So on Thursday, she finds out that this girl did not do as told to get it towed. It is now in impound. Sarah finds out on her way home from business trip. While in the airport in Atlanta with her work colleagues. She explodes! In front of them. Comments made to her included "I've never seen you that mad" So, guess what she does? She calls me Friday morning! Wakes me up with the fact she had to pay almost $700 to get it out of impound. I explode. She seems surprised I mean WTF. I had been trying to get the money for a while and I am against this in the first place. OF course I was going to explode. She made the comment that she yelled at her "Do you think I am made of money?" I responded "Yes, because that is what we have taught her. We enabled her" Of course I did not mean we. but I'm trying to be nice.
So, I am now awake and angry. Get showered and off to therapy. Did I mention that Steve is awesome. So I relate the morning's events. I use this as an example of why I really don't want Sarah handling the finances. In fact, before I went to see him, I sent an email to Sarah. In it I stated while I didn't feel that way now, here were my thoughts when I hung up phone. Okay, I give up. Lets go see the lawyers, lets lose everything we worked to build. I don't care. I can live quite nicely in my little apartment on my salary. YOU cannot live with the bills we have without my salary. But I will not let you drag me down with you.
Steve finally explains to me in a way I grasp, that I am enabling her! He asked me if it was MY responsibility to make sure she doesn't. I said of course it is my responsibility. He asked me again why is it mine. I said well because of the kids etc. Again, he points out things to me that I "knew" but didn't really know. For example that I actually did have a reason for my anger. In the email I sent Sarah I said if the things I said made her angry, not to text or call me until she cooled down. Then I didn't hear from her. So when I got off work, I sent text that I was off work. She called and we had a difficult call. I had melt down, screamed, cried very upset. I do not like myself like that. And I sure as hell don't want anyone else to see or here me like that! I was so angry. I finally acknowledged that anger both to her and myself. She said, I don't understand it, but I get it. I screamed that NO, if she doesn't understand it, she can not possibly get it. The only thing I did "wrong" was be gay. And I can't help that! She had responded to my email with we can talk about this on Sunday when we meet. As for the rest of the stuff, she didn't feel need to comment. So I responded with a comment that I just didn't know I would be in the position of forgiving her. Or that it would be so hard.
Now today, I did say I was a slow learner, I had an amazing revelation while showering. I did not move out because I was gay! I moved out because I was angry. And I have right to be angry. I was just as mistreated as she was by me. And to be honest, hers did come first. But I always felt I married out of my league and therefore should just be grateful for what I had.
So, this morning, I asked if she had told the girl she had until June 1st to move out. Oh and btw, did you read my response. She hadn't. She texts back later that she had read it and her concern was that I don't forgive her. And that she was in a precarious position. So, I knew I had to call her and did. I told her that for ME, I had to forgive her. Eventually, I asked her if her comments were meant as an apology. She said yes. I told her that was the first I had an apology for any of this. At least from my viewpoint. Ah life! Why do we hold on so tightly?
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Sudoku
I love this game. I start each day by doing my mental exercises to it. If there is anyone here who plays it, you know it can be very frustrating as well. I think that is an apt description of things are in my mind at times. I stare at a problem for awhile then I see a step forward. At times, just like in the game, I see several steps at a time after being stumped for what seems like forever. Pass that roadblock and move on. Great feeling moving on. However, just like the game, each step depends on the previous one being right. Sometimes, you won't learn you made a mistake until the last number is entered. Then, in the game, the screen highlights the row or rows that are incorrect. It would be nice if it did it at the time you made the error, but it doesn't. So I clear out the screen and start over. My life over the past has been a lot like the game in that I see a couple of moves, make them and see more. Think I am making progress and at the end realize I made a mistake somewhere along the way. Do the best at clearing the screen and start over.
Well, today, I feel as if I have finally been putting the right pieces into place. I am enjoying my life at last! Weight is starting to come under control (don't recommend the stress diet, but I am down 40 pounds). Headed to do some treadmill work after finish this AND making plans to do 1/2 marathon in November. Of course since I haven't gotten to the end there is that worry that I may find I made a mistake that will mess things up at the end. But I don't think so. Of course it may just be that I am going to finish this game and start another. I'm okay with that though. I will be okay with starting that one over each time it is necessary to move on! Have a great day everyone.
Well, today, I feel as if I have finally been putting the right pieces into place. I am enjoying my life at last! Weight is starting to come under control (don't recommend the stress diet, but I am down 40 pounds). Headed to do some treadmill work after finish this AND making plans to do 1/2 marathon in November. Of course since I haven't gotten to the end there is that worry that I may find I made a mistake that will mess things up at the end. But I don't think so. Of course it may just be that I am going to finish this game and start another. I'm okay with that though. I will be okay with starting that one over each time it is necessary to move on! Have a great day everyone.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Slow Learner
So, I have been on a journey that I thought with end with the "bomb". Is seems that I still have some ways to go. I hate when they move the goal posts!
Things I have learned recently:
1)From my good friend Buddy I learned that while for me (us) this is very central at this time, most people really don't care much. And I so wanted to believe that, but didn't. Then I started to slowly let close friends know this week. And he is right. I think my favorite comment was by a friend who said "who cares, you are still you"
2)From my friend Michelle, I learned that when you are loved, that person LOVES you. Thank you so much Michelle. When you wrote about the pain your Jerry was going through, I could so feel it. You showed me that it was the total package that counted. You understood what he gave up to try and be normal. That you understood that he didn't chose this. You didn't just say those things, you showed you really believed in them. That was so instrumental for me. It lead me to ....
3)I Finally can accept what my beloved wife has been telling me. Up until today, I really didn't. I figured she was just trying to say the right things. That she couldn't possibly mean the things she was saying. For example, when we talked on sunday, she made the comment to me that for me to ever move back into the house, things would have to change. I responded that I can't change being gay. She said that wasn't what she was talking about. On Sunday, I couldn't accept that. Now I can. That doesn't mean we will ever live together again. It doesn't mean we won't. It means (I hope I have this right) that I need to work on ME before anything can even be discussed. We are still friends and I am so grateful for that. I NOW think we always will be. I have been very worried about how people will treat HER when they find out I am gay. Now I understand she has already dealt with that. Did I mention she was amazing? She truly is. Neither of us knows what the future will hold. But I did tell her I would let her read this entry. But not the earlier ones. So, I will cut and paste this into an email. It will be exactly the same as what I post. Someday, who knows, I may let her read these things. One of the things I brought up on Sunday was that eventually, she will run into me on a date with someone. I asked her if she would be okay with that. Her response? If they would be okay with her. I had never entertained that thought. It floored me to say the least. She said they might be uncomfortable with her coming up and giving me a hug and kiss. I can't imagine that happening. Everyone loves her. After she explained things to me. (Did I mention I can be pretty dense at times) I could see what she was talking about. As I told her, we have a bond. It may not be the usual one, but it is there. Always will be we both agree. SO, for me to have a relationship with someone, they had better accept that. If they can't accept her, then I have no use for them. It isn't like I have a new woman and that woman is jealous of the old one. I didn't leave the former one for a new one. I moved out because I needed to get my head on straight. Which translates as I am still loving my wife, but accepting the fact that I don't love woman the way I "should". I put that in quotes not because I think I am whatever, but because that is part of my acceptance of who I am. And this week has really been that for me.
Updates: I have started going back to church. I left because I felt the church couldn't accept me. I think the problem was I couldn't accept me. I prayed that I was no longer going to "pray away the gay" I started praying to accept things. I felt very much more at peace afterwards. I think I will continue to go. It isn't the church of my upbringing, I don't think they will ever accept me. Well, they accept us as long as we give up sex. Not really accepting is it? I mean, we are sexual beings. God made me this way and I FINALLY believe he is okay with me. I did say I was a slow learner at the beginning didn't I.
Things I have learned recently:
1)From my good friend Buddy I learned that while for me (us) this is very central at this time, most people really don't care much. And I so wanted to believe that, but didn't. Then I started to slowly let close friends know this week. And he is right. I think my favorite comment was by a friend who said "who cares, you are still you"
2)From my friend Michelle, I learned that when you are loved, that person LOVES you. Thank you so much Michelle. When you wrote about the pain your Jerry was going through, I could so feel it. You showed me that it was the total package that counted. You understood what he gave up to try and be normal. That you understood that he didn't chose this. You didn't just say those things, you showed you really believed in them. That was so instrumental for me. It lead me to ....
3)I Finally can accept what my beloved wife has been telling me. Up until today, I really didn't. I figured she was just trying to say the right things. That she couldn't possibly mean the things she was saying. For example, when we talked on sunday, she made the comment to me that for me to ever move back into the house, things would have to change. I responded that I can't change being gay. She said that wasn't what she was talking about. On Sunday, I couldn't accept that. Now I can. That doesn't mean we will ever live together again. It doesn't mean we won't. It means (I hope I have this right) that I need to work on ME before anything can even be discussed. We are still friends and I am so grateful for that. I NOW think we always will be. I have been very worried about how people will treat HER when they find out I am gay. Now I understand she has already dealt with that. Did I mention she was amazing? She truly is. Neither of us knows what the future will hold. But I did tell her I would let her read this entry. But not the earlier ones. So, I will cut and paste this into an email. It will be exactly the same as what I post. Someday, who knows, I may let her read these things. One of the things I brought up on Sunday was that eventually, she will run into me on a date with someone. I asked her if she would be okay with that. Her response? If they would be okay with her. I had never entertained that thought. It floored me to say the least. She said they might be uncomfortable with her coming up and giving me a hug and kiss. I can't imagine that happening. Everyone loves her. After she explained things to me. (Did I mention I can be pretty dense at times) I could see what she was talking about. As I told her, we have a bond. It may not be the usual one, but it is there. Always will be we both agree. SO, for me to have a relationship with someone, they had better accept that. If they can't accept her, then I have no use for them. It isn't like I have a new woman and that woman is jealous of the old one. I didn't leave the former one for a new one. I moved out because I needed to get my head on straight. Which translates as I am still loving my wife, but accepting the fact that I don't love woman the way I "should". I put that in quotes not because I think I am whatever, but because that is part of my acceptance of who I am. And this week has really been that for me.
Updates: I have started going back to church. I left because I felt the church couldn't accept me. I think the problem was I couldn't accept me. I prayed that I was no longer going to "pray away the gay" I started praying to accept things. I felt very much more at peace afterwards. I think I will continue to go. It isn't the church of my upbringing, I don't think they will ever accept me. Well, they accept us as long as we give up sex. Not really accepting is it? I mean, we are sexual beings. God made me this way and I FINALLY believe he is okay with me. I did say I was a slow learner at the beginning didn't I.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Self Loathing?
Don't have time for a long post, but I have a question for others out there.
I recently had a discussion with my wife and it seems she is more upset with the way I have been treating her over the last time period prior to moving out than she is with my being gay! I cannot seem to wrap my mind around that. I look at it as the treatment was indeed awful, but that is now over. The gayness is still here. To me, that is where her anger should be directed. After a discussion with a vey good friend, I realized that while I have accepted being gay, I still don't want to be gay.
Okay, now for the question: Is this a normal or at least common step in this process? Will I get past this? Of course I will be discussing this with Steve at next session, but I was curious as to how it might be in the "real" world. Please give me some feedback. I really need it.
I recently had a discussion with my wife and it seems she is more upset with the way I have been treating her over the last time period prior to moving out than she is with my being gay! I cannot seem to wrap my mind around that. I look at it as the treatment was indeed awful, but that is now over. The gayness is still here. To me, that is where her anger should be directed. After a discussion with a vey good friend, I realized that while I have accepted being gay, I still don't want to be gay.
Okay, now for the question: Is this a normal or at least common step in this process? Will I get past this? Of course I will be discussing this with Steve at next session, but I was curious as to how it might be in the "real" world. Please give me some feedback. I really need it.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
A week later
Well it has been a week since the news. Like everything else, it has been a roller coaster. Hate to keep using that metaphor, but it so fits things.
At first she was fine. No rush to do anything like splitting up stuff. Monday, I get text that indicates she is not fine anymore. Don't get me wrong. I know that she will be all over the place. But it is dizzying at times. I finally get her to agree to at least come talk to me. We talk for another 2 hours and I think she is okay again. Till the next time. I am not complaining about what she is feeling, that is to be expected. I just don't want her to do anything she will regret later.
Saturday after I told her, she was getting her hair/nails done. I had mine cut earlier and waited around to see her. Well as near as I can figure, she was discussing the separation with her friend there. One of the others overheard and asked her to go outside to talk with her. THEN she came right out and asked her if I was GAY!! She never answered but it appears this lady always thought I was gay. Nosy busybody. I didn't learn about this until Monday btw. I have to say that I did love the text wife sent me the next day. And I quote "We will work out what works best for us. Fuck all others" I hope she can hold onto that thought. For her sake as much as mine. We have built up assets over the years that we want to leave our kids. NOT the lawyers. Or sell at fire sale prices. Sounds crass I guess, but we worked very hard for them. I hope well meaning people will just let the two of us handle things.
At first she was fine. No rush to do anything like splitting up stuff. Monday, I get text that indicates she is not fine anymore. Don't get me wrong. I know that she will be all over the place. But it is dizzying at times. I finally get her to agree to at least come talk to me. We talk for another 2 hours and I think she is okay again. Till the next time. I am not complaining about what she is feeling, that is to be expected. I just don't want her to do anything she will regret later.
Saturday after I told her, she was getting her hair/nails done. I had mine cut earlier and waited around to see her. Well as near as I can figure, she was discussing the separation with her friend there. One of the others overheard and asked her to go outside to talk with her. THEN she came right out and asked her if I was GAY!! She never answered but it appears this lady always thought I was gay. Nosy busybody. I didn't learn about this until Monday btw. I have to say that I did love the text wife sent me the next day. And I quote "We will work out what works best for us. Fuck all others" I hope she can hold onto that thought. For her sake as much as mine. We have built up assets over the years that we want to leave our kids. NOT the lawyers. Or sell at fire sale prices. Sounds crass I guess, but we worked very hard for them. I hope well meaning people will just let the two of us handle things.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Giddy with happiness
Well, it has been two days since the bomb dropped. Or I guess I could say the bomb proved to be a dud. Woke up on Saturday and sent her a text asking if I had dreamed the previous night. She assured me I hadn't. I again told her she was amazing and she couldn't understand why I think that. She gave all the correct logical answers as to why she was so okay with it. But as we all know, people aren't always logical. Heck, Spock had trouble on occasion.
So, back to friday night, we both agreed we don't know what will happen next. We will keep all options open for the moment. We both know I have a year lease. We both know we are bonded together with a renewed friendship. We discussed the next two planned vacations. One to Hawaii at Thanksgiving and the ski trip to Utah next Feb. We also discussed the fact that at some future time one us may meet Mr. Right. He will have to accept that we have a unique relationship. She still doesn't think she will date or find anyone. I don't see how that will be possible once it is known she is "available" but that is something for her to deal with she reminded me. She even said if I found someone, I could bring them on the trips.
Okay, so now we are up to Saturday. I slept the best sleep Friday night that I have had in a very long time as you can imagine. Realized I am a complete idiot at times. Moved my stuff into new apartment like meds etc. Forgot clothes. Which was okay really, I had to go by house to pick up stuff anyway, so, I decided it was time for a haircut and went and got that done. Knew she was going there for nails etc. So I hung around to say hello before going and getting my gear. We have both been going to the same place for years and several knew I had moved out or was getting ready to. When she came in and gave me a kiss, I'm sure they were more than a bit confused. But I knew she was headed to spend rest of weekend with our daughter so I wanted to see her before she went. She appreciated that.
Next step? Text to daughter to call me. I was on phone when she did and didn't get to her as soon as she thought I should have. So, I call her back and she answers the phone with (as only an offspring can do) "What do you want" Nice, but you with kids know what I mean. So I told her. Talk about a non-issue. So, I'm feeling pretty confident about this coming out stuff. Called one of the people who went to Sweden with us. A 30 year old kid I taught to ski, met through my daughter's friends etc. I call him up to fill him in. He was amazed. He also had no clue. Which amazed me because he was a stripper in a gay club at one time. He is straight by the way. Really was almost a non-issue there as well. Like my daughter, he was just glad Sarah and I weren't about to kill each other anymore. So he says I have to call another the circle of friends of my daughter's that I am close to. He had been have stress issues as well and we had talked about them. Again, no clue. He was very supportive as well. Later that night, they all went out to dinner and while there decided to call me and put me on speaker phone. We had a great time. For someone of my generation to have such acceptance from kids 30 years younger than me was gratifying to say the least. Gives me hope for the country to know that young people can be so accepting and willing to give emotional support to this old guy!
So know, I am on a roll. I decide to go for broke and tell my mother-in-law. Allow me to digress and tell you about this amazing woman. She will be 92 later this month. She has survived Breast Cancer, widowhood and the deaths of two infant children. She has been better to me than my own mother ever was. It killed me when she was angry with me over this crap. So I sat down with her in the kitchen as I have done so many times over the last 40 years. Wow, it has been a long time! I said with my eyes starting to brim with tears that I owed her the real reason why I had to move out. I thought I was gay. She laughed. Seriously and looked at me and said "you're not gay" When I told I was, she said what makes the difference? Bottom line, she still loves me as well. I mean damn, if I had known it was going to be that well accepted, I would have done it a long time ago. Now for any readers of blogs, I am sure you have seen that written many times before. The only one I havent told yet is my almost 19 year old son. I think Sarah and I MUST both be there for that. He isn't one of my fans in the first place. OTOH, who knows, he my actually feel my pain. That would show a lot of growth in him and would please both him mom and myself. Here's hoping.
That brings us to today. I had a couple of friends who were going to help me unload my van and I was going to fix them the dinner I mentioned in earlier post. Well they are two young men who work where I eat breakfast most mornings. They were also going to help me rearrange the furniture in the new place. They also are chefs. So here I am going to learn to cook and have first big dinner for two young chefs. How's that for chutzpah. Anyway, after the first one got there and I found out the second was going to be awhile, I decided to break the news. Both because he is a good friend (whom I started teaching skiing to this year and was to go to Sweden this year) and because I didn't want him to be in the position of not knowing if something were ever said. You know the whole guilt by association thing. Again, a non-issue. Which was repeated when his friend got there.
I am the luckiest person around I think. I have family that loves me no matter what it seems and friends that also support me. The saying is so true. It DOES get better.
I hope that answers Cubby's request for more info. I am not saying goodbye but I have no clue what to write about since this was my biggest thing in life. I hope I can help someone else on this journey though. More than that, I hope with people accepting things, LESS people will have to make this journey. When I first decided to write, I had no idea what to call my blog. But it appears my title was spot on. THANKS TO ALL THE OTHER BLOGGERS. I don't think this could have happened without each and every one of you.
Kevin
So, back to friday night, we both agreed we don't know what will happen next. We will keep all options open for the moment. We both know I have a year lease. We both know we are bonded together with a renewed friendship. We discussed the next two planned vacations. One to Hawaii at Thanksgiving and the ski trip to Utah next Feb. We also discussed the fact that at some future time one us may meet Mr. Right. He will have to accept that we have a unique relationship. She still doesn't think she will date or find anyone. I don't see how that will be possible once it is known she is "available" but that is something for her to deal with she reminded me. She even said if I found someone, I could bring them on the trips.
Okay, so now we are up to Saturday. I slept the best sleep Friday night that I have had in a very long time as you can imagine. Realized I am a complete idiot at times. Moved my stuff into new apartment like meds etc. Forgot clothes. Which was okay really, I had to go by house to pick up stuff anyway, so, I decided it was time for a haircut and went and got that done. Knew she was going there for nails etc. So I hung around to say hello before going and getting my gear. We have both been going to the same place for years and several knew I had moved out or was getting ready to. When she came in and gave me a kiss, I'm sure they were more than a bit confused. But I knew she was headed to spend rest of weekend with our daughter so I wanted to see her before she went. She appreciated that.
Next step? Text to daughter to call me. I was on phone when she did and didn't get to her as soon as she thought I should have. So, I call her back and she answers the phone with (as only an offspring can do) "What do you want" Nice, but you with kids know what I mean. So I told her. Talk about a non-issue. So, I'm feeling pretty confident about this coming out stuff. Called one of the people who went to Sweden with us. A 30 year old kid I taught to ski, met through my daughter's friends etc. I call him up to fill him in. He was amazed. He also had no clue. Which amazed me because he was a stripper in a gay club at one time. He is straight by the way. Really was almost a non-issue there as well. Like my daughter, he was just glad Sarah and I weren't about to kill each other anymore. So he says I have to call another the circle of friends of my daughter's that I am close to. He had been have stress issues as well and we had talked about them. Again, no clue. He was very supportive as well. Later that night, they all went out to dinner and while there decided to call me and put me on speaker phone. We had a great time. For someone of my generation to have such acceptance from kids 30 years younger than me was gratifying to say the least. Gives me hope for the country to know that young people can be so accepting and willing to give emotional support to this old guy!
So know, I am on a roll. I decide to go for broke and tell my mother-in-law. Allow me to digress and tell you about this amazing woman. She will be 92 later this month. She has survived Breast Cancer, widowhood and the deaths of two infant children. She has been better to me than my own mother ever was. It killed me when she was angry with me over this crap. So I sat down with her in the kitchen as I have done so many times over the last 40 years. Wow, it has been a long time! I said with my eyes starting to brim with tears that I owed her the real reason why I had to move out. I thought I was gay. She laughed. Seriously and looked at me and said "you're not gay" When I told I was, she said what makes the difference? Bottom line, she still loves me as well. I mean damn, if I had known it was going to be that well accepted, I would have done it a long time ago. Now for any readers of blogs, I am sure you have seen that written many times before. The only one I havent told yet is my almost 19 year old son. I think Sarah and I MUST both be there for that. He isn't one of my fans in the first place. OTOH, who knows, he my actually feel my pain. That would show a lot of growth in him and would please both him mom and myself. Here's hoping.
That brings us to today. I had a couple of friends who were going to help me unload my van and I was going to fix them the dinner I mentioned in earlier post. Well they are two young men who work where I eat breakfast most mornings. They were also going to help me rearrange the furniture in the new place. They also are chefs. So here I am going to learn to cook and have first big dinner for two young chefs. How's that for chutzpah. Anyway, after the first one got there and I found out the second was going to be awhile, I decided to break the news. Both because he is a good friend (whom I started teaching skiing to this year and was to go to Sweden this year) and because I didn't want him to be in the position of not knowing if something were ever said. You know the whole guilt by association thing. Again, a non-issue. Which was repeated when his friend got there.
I am the luckiest person around I think. I have family that loves me no matter what it seems and friends that also support me. The saying is so true. It DOES get better.
I hope that answers Cubby's request for more info. I am not saying goodbye but I have no clue what to write about since this was my biggest thing in life. I hope I can help someone else on this journey though. More than that, I hope with people accepting things, LESS people will have to make this journey. When I first decided to write, I had no idea what to call my blog. But it appears my title was spot on. THANKS TO ALL THE OTHER BLOGGERS. I don't think this could have happened without each and every one of you.
Kevin
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