Happier Holidays

The meeting with the counselor/therapist went very well.  I felt comfortable right from the start.  BONUS:  He knew previous therapist from 20 years ago and understood my anger at him for trying to "fix" my orientation. 

I sort of amazed myself in that I could answer questions without "flinching".  When he asked if I was gay, I didn't hesitate to say yes.  Now to some, that may not seem a big deal, but to me, it was.  His opening questions in fact said to me that he isn't doing this for the first time and that he knows what he is doing.  He was very good about getting a history and timeline for recent events.  I was even honest when he asked about my drinking.  And I don't disclose that to anyone.  Funny, now that I think of it, more people know I'm gay than I have a drinking problem.  Steve (Therapist) said we will work on that as well.  He also said it is perfectly understandable. 

After the session, I went on to work.  Somehow, it seemed less stressful, when I got home, I told the wife I had started therapy.  She was very pleased about that.  She knows she will eventually meet with Steve and I and with Steve alone at some point.  In some ways I feel a bit guilty not telling her the why of the therapy but I do believe it is also for her benefit as well.  I want her to be in the system when her world caves in.  If it does anyway.  Steve also feels she has to have suspicions but really doesn't want to know.  He laughed when I told him that one thing the two of us have in common is we hate confrontation. 

I think one of the best things so far to come out of the first visit was that Thursday night, I slept well.  I mean really well.  It really was like a weight was lifted, if not lifted I at least have someone who will be able to help me carry it.  No slight to you Dee, you have been wonderful.  I will be getting the blog url to him to read.  He thinks he should be helpful for insight.  I guess I should apologize to him for the photo's. 

Anyway, the way I felt this morning was that I will have an end to this situation once and for all.  Previously, I wasn't sure about this because I considered it crossing the Rubicon.  And while I really want to come out and stop the pretense, I was unsure if I could do it.  NOW, I feel grateful I crossed the Rubicon and there will be no going back.  And this is after only one session!!!!  Happy Holidays to all of you out there who have been so supportive of me.  I am working the holiday and I don't mind a bit.

One side note to AWILWAGM:  I don't know if Jerry has considered therapy, but I think you both may want to consider it.  I was surprised to find out that Marriage Counselors also will work with you to help determine if keeping the marriage going is a good idea or not.  And if not, they will help you both get through the ending of it much better than you can do on your own.  If Jerry would like to chat about it from my point of view, you have my email address.

Wow, taking a big step!

Happy Holidays to all.
Well, things have been stressful here on the home front.  Some of you that I have email contact know what I am referring to.  For the rest, lets just say my son is driving me crazy with his behavior.  And I certainly don't need that now. 
  On to the news.  I have made an appointment with a counselor who specializes in couples with sexual orientation issues.  I spent a lot of time calling a couple of recommended ones.  First one wasn't taking any new clients until March.  Her assistant recommended one very highly and so I called.  She wasn't seeing anyone until the first of the year and doesn't take my insurance.  So, I called the third one.  That one doesn't do couple counseling.  However, someone at his office does.  So, I have an appointment for 10am tmorrow.  To say I have mixed emotions would be an understatement.  I am so scared of reveling myself to someone I don't even know.  OTOH, I am excited about moving forward.   

I am not sure which of these pics represent how I feel in other words.  The first one here is how I felt when I hung up the phone.  Stepping out into a new area, head held high.  Like breaking the top of the water and really enjoying the sensation.

After a couple of minutes it sunk in what I had done.  I felt more like the second photo.  Ready to forget it and just leave the water.  Altogether. Quit.  Knowing me, I will oscillate between these two all day today.  It is a good thing the appointment is in less than 24 hours.  I could be a basket case before then.                                                              

I do want to comment on something Ellie Mae  said.    Yes I am a coward.  In some ways anyway, but that isn't why the delay in telling her.  My parents divorced around christmas 45 years ago.  I don't think I ever forgave them for that.  In addition, we have a trip planned to Denmark to see a former exchange student we think of as our daughter and her son (who we think of as our grandchild) and I don't want anything to ruin that for me or for her.  It means a great deal to her.  Really at this point what difference does a couple of months really make.  I am hoping that this counselor will help her deal with the situation as well.  One way or the other, once I meet with him, I feel that the die will be cast.     And that will be better than the way I was feeling about telling her a week ago when I was very angry with her.  I so fantasized about how I would do it.   On the plane ride back to the states, I would hand her an envelope with a settlement offer drawn up by my lawyer and give her the news that way.  My good friend and informal counselor insisted that was far to mean spirited.  She is right but boy did it feel right at the time.  I am aware that I can behave badly when angry.  In fact I have fought that part of me for many years.  Unfortunately not always successfully.  I have had to apologize for some pretty ugly things I have said.  Not always accepted of course.

   Anyway, if I get through tomorrow okay, I will try to at least put a comment on how it went on this entry if I don't have a chance to do a complete new entry. 

So, now that we are out, how do we date?

So, we have decided to accept we are gay. What does that really mean? I mean sex is really just a small part of who you are. You Sleep more time than you have sex. You are at your job more time than at your job. The thought came to me when I was driving. I was noticing guys I passed. If they looked back, I quickly looked away. So, it occurred to me that if it was a really pretty girl, a straight guy might not look away. Same thing in a non-driving situation. In a room, a guy sees a pretty girl, doesn't feel the least bit self conscience looking at her. She may be flattered, annoyed or just doesn't care. Same situation with a guy looking at a guy can and often has lead to fights. Even if it wasn't intended as a hookup. So my question is, how does one "look" ?  Or in the future, will we just all look at what interests us?  Will it become the norm for a guy to say "I'm flattered but not gay"  And we all just move on?  Personally, I can't see any other way for things to work once being gay is really accepted.  In fact, that may be how we know we have arrived.  How we have won the battle.  Of course that will change how we look at sports a bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dci6ndAw7CA&feature=related

I haven't worked with the software enough to know if this will work, but it is a really cute video.  And as someone who hated team sports, I love it.  Well, I have to get some sleep, tomorrow is another work day.  Thanks to JustaMike for his post on broken Gaydar, it was the inspiration for this.

Is she asking?

This is dedictated to AWILTAGM and the questions she has asked.
So last night, we are watching an older Two and a half Men.  (Not the same without Charlie) it is the one where Charlie sleeps with Alans high priced divorce lawyer.  Played by Heather Locklear wonderfully.  In the episode, Heather gets pissed at Charlie and really screws Alan.  I made the off hand comment that no matter what, I haven't screwed your lawyer to my wife.  

Okay, if the lawyer looked like guy at left, I would have.  Oh yeah.  I do believe a sidebar might be in order here.
















 I listed a couple we have known, used over the years.  Her comment and delivery were interesting.  She said, you wouldn't be interested in them.  Almost like a question.  In hindsight, I would have liked to have said:  Would that be a problem.  Nope, not ready for that yet.  Tempting though.  The point is that it is the second time recently when she has made comments that can be summed up as defenses of my heterosexuality.   I guess you would have to know us both to really understand that comment.  Suffice it to say, it struck me as a bit odd. 
My thought is that she is trying to figure out what is going on with me.  Is she trying to figure out if I am having an affair?  You know, the almost acceptable kind with a women.  LOL  My good friend Dee, doesn't think I should push the issue, but I don't know, it is tempting to try and figure out where she is with this.   Lets see, I could honestly respond with "You know dear, I haven't had sex with another woman since I met you.   

Now on to AWILTAGM's comment on the last blog.
"If she is okay with it, will you stay married?" 
WOW, That is such a question.  I have been thinking of it for almost 2 days now.  Whenever I am not busy at work etc.  I mean, I still love my wife.  I do, really.  Okay, I am not in love with her.  Funny, I first heard that phrase 20+ years ago and thought it odd.  Finally I get it. At the beginning of this Mr. Toad's wild ride, I would have said Yes, I would stay married.  In fact, it was the thing I wanted most out of coming out.  The ability to stay married but have sex with men.  To me, that seemed like the perfect world.  No impending poverty, no yelling, no tearing the life apart.  Seemed idyllic in so many ways.  NOW, I can't answer the question.  Maybe that is why I sympathize with Jerry so much.  The indisputable facts are that wife and I have not had sex in 5+ years.  Okay, we aren't alone in that.  Their is more to a marriage than sex after all.  Over the last few months, I have explored my sexual side (okay, some would say I have become a teenage slut) so I can say that the sex is good and NOT the reason for leaving.  I have discovered that with guys you get to "first and second base" a lot faster and with a lot less committment.  While that is very nice and can serve a purpose, it really isn't much different that beating off.  Sure it releases tension, but you realize you want more. You want a connection.  A feeling that when you hold hands, you can almost link minds.  Hopeless romantic you might say.  I can't argue with you.  BUT, I have had that experience so I know it exists.  Can I have that with a man?  Good question.  I think I may have in now so I would have to say yes.  I do know that when I was unable to see him for a week, I missed him in a way I haven't missed my wife in a long long time.  Is it forbidden fruit (sorry)?  Maybe, but it doesn't feel that way.

I gotta say, I think I am glad that she probably won't ask for that.  If she does, I don't know what I will do.  I know that what I would like to do is to have her read my blog entries (right now, that isn't about to happen) and try to use that for a starting point for so many discussions.  I would also like for AWILTAGM to be available for her to talk to if she expressed a desire to talk to someone who has been there.  I have decided that if she wanted me to stay hidden for a period of time while she adjusted to it, I would be willing.  Her mom is over 91 years old.  I think I would be willing to keep things status quo for her lifetime if asked.  I do think mom would be okay with it.  I have seen her compassion and changes in attitudes for almost 40 years.  The woman is incredible.  I wouldn't want to hurt her for anything.

That brings up another situation!  My family.  We haven't been all that close since I moved out almost 43 years ago.  Of course parents are gone so that isn't an issue.  I do have 4 siblings and several nephews and neices.  I wonder how they will take news.  Not wonder in the sense of caring so much as just curiousity.

Oh well, time for bed.  Sleep anyway.  awiltagm, I hope I have answered your question.  It isn't a hard and fast answer to be sure, but it is an honest one.  IOW, I don't know.  I really don't.  I wish I could say yes as fast as I could have a couple of months ago.  I do.  But in some ways, I think where I am now is a bit more realistic.  Don't you?

Home again, Home again Jiggedy Jig

                Well I am headed home.  Back to the “normal” world in some ways anyway.  I guess I should be glad to get back in some ways.  I miss my boyfriend terribly.  Okay, I am also a bit horny.  It has been a long time after all.  I doubt I will do a vacation with the sa me cast of characters ever again.  I won’t say I am an overly active person, but just drinking and hanging by the pool just isn’t my thing.  Maybe it is just due to the fact I know what is coming up soon.  But I don’t really think so.  I have been texting with my friend and I think we will have a great time on our first get away.  I wonder how long that will be?  He has not had the chances to go/do what I have and I am eally looking forward to the chance to travel with hm.  It will be like the first time I did it since I can view the trip through his eyes.  I am a skier of course and I have long enjoyed taking beginners to one of my favorite places.  Killington Vermont.  See, here in the south, we have small resorts and Killington is BIG.  My home resort is about 28 slopes and that is being kind.  Killington is 200 spread over 6 mountains.  I love to see the faces of the newbies when I turn a certain corner on the way and they get this 270 degree view with slopes everywhere.   Watching Danny see places I have been will be very similar to that.  Funny, we are within months of the same age and we have such different life experiences.  It should be great to travel with him. 

This isn't us of course, but this is how I see us.  Two older guys enjoying a nature hike along a beach somewhere.  I can hardly wait until that happens.  Yeah, we won't be lusted after, but we will be smiling and likely holding hands. 

On another front, my wife and I had a little argument today.  Wasn’t really about anything substantial but somehow was different.  Am I trying to cause things like this to speed things along?  Maybe. 

We have several timeshares in really nice locales.  We have booked one for next Thanksgiving and space banked another already.  I wonder how we will use them.  If I am very lucky, we will be able to not only keep them, but share them in ways to make us both happy.  She has more vacation time than I do and I have already told her she needs to think about using them without me.  Turns out she will use them all without me and with luck, I will use some without her.   The next scheduled trip is Hawaii, that will be after the bombshell.  Already have the time booked.  It is a 2 bedroom that sleeps 8.  Hmm, now that could be interesting.  I can see at least 3 different scenarios.  One would be that we are “very sophisticated”  and continue on like nothing has changed.  Can’t see that happening.  Two would be that she is so angry she doesn’t come at all or she insists I don’t come at all.  Three is that she has one bedroom with the kids (sleeps 4) and I take the Master with my boyfriend.  Yeah, can’t see that one. 

Paradise can be lonely

Well I am on probably one of my last vacations with my wife.  Another couple is joining us in beautiful Aruba.  And it is truly a beautiful place.  Unfortunately it is also romantic.   really want to lay out on the beach and be able to touch skin.  Kiss.  And most of all a cuddle now and then.  It is strange to me.  I have been living in a sexless relationship for awhile now and it hasn't really been that bad.  Until I realized that not only am I gay, but that I owe it to myself to have sex.  Right now, the other three are down at the pool and I am up here in the room on a damn computer putting my thoughts down. 

The other night the four of us were out on the town in NYC and after a couple of drinks it was all I could do not to grab my buddy.  Think that might have put a damper on trip.  LOL.  No, he isn't that kind of buddy.  Too bad.  On the other hand, my new boyfriend (still looks strange to see in print) is NOT here.  And I so wish he was.  He makes me laugh and while that is a cliche, it is also a fact we just feel better when we laugh.  And I know we couldn't actually do like the pic here, it sure is on my mind.

Johan's gallery of Beautiful men

Yep, that is exactly what him and I should be doing.  Alas, it will have to wait for awhile.  And that setting is so similiar to where I am staying.

Can't you just see the two of us there?  Okay, neither one of us looks as good as those two do.  But I don't care.










I guess feeling the way I do right now, I had better not have any alcohol.  There is plenty of eye candy here after all.  Yesterday there were at least 3 DILF's and one very hot guy (gay?) in a blue bikini that just barely covered the subject. 

Funny, after typing all this, I do feel a bit better.  I think I will call my friend, fix a drink and join the others by the pool.  Sunglasses to hide my looking.  LOL  Take care all.

No more doubts

Well it has been an interesting time since last I wrote.  Went to a wedding with a liberal preacher who STILL droned on about man and woman being united.   Pity really but expected.

Flash forward to this weekend.  I haven’t mentioned my friend before.  She is a dear friend and after knowing her 30 years, I came out to her in February 2011 at our yearly vacation together.  Dee (not real name at her request) and I have been flirting for years and years.  The year before I came out to her, I had tried to tell her while we were on our usual yearly vacation.  Only got has far as letting her know I wasn’t happy.  Apparently, she thought I was leading her on.  She thought I wanted to go a step further than flirting.  We both laugh at that now.  I have spent the last months coaching her for a ½ marathon run.  Well, this weekend was the run and it involved going out of town.   Let me go over the original plans.  We reserved a room with a queen’s size bed and 2 singles for me, her and my best friend (male) who she is getting along with very very well.   To make long story short, he couldn’t make it at the last minute. 

Bob and I have been “friends” for many years so what happens next was okay with him.  I think so anyway.  As the song goes, one thing leads to another and the next thing you know, in bed naked and making love.  Now onto the title.  IF I had any doubts about being gay, they have been dispelled forever.  While Dee is very creative and we had a good time both nights and this morning, as I told her, if she had a cock, she would have been perfect.  I really kept thinking of my friend’s cock and how much I wanted it.  It was an eye opener.  True I often fantasized about men while having sex with my wife, but I chalked it up to the boredom of sex after so many years with same partner.  Now I know better:  I am gay.  Dee was funny about it of course.  But didn’t mind in the least and discovered that sex with a gay guy can still be a lot of fun.  LOL

Here is the other thing I have finally found a way to explain a theory I have about male sexuality.  I guess I should ask Bi Guy to read and comment on it.  For those who knew about leaves and the color changes they exhibit, I have a metaphor that fits.  Okay, we all know that leaves have their beautiful colors all the time.  The reason we don’t see them is that the chlorophyll blocks it and all we see is the green.  In the fall, the chlorophyll production stops and we see the colors.  Some would say the true colors.  Now to bring that to a situation that many readers here can relate to:  We are gay by nature but our upbringing and our culture are the chlorophyll.  If we live in a climate where the chlorophyll continues to be produced we stay heterosexual.  That climate could range from regular affection and sex from a wife or loved one or such a repressive culture that forbids it.  Once the fall sets in, like no sex at home or culture is more forgiven or even availability of porn through the ‘net, the underlying colors will start to shine through.   Now, does that mean all males fit this metaphor.  Good question and one I would like to suggest that be someone studies that.  Just haven’t a clue as to how to proceed.  To begin with, I suppose one could study the formally married guys here.  Then perhaps study a large group of men who consider themselves straight and check back in 20 years.  Won’t help me know since I doubt I will be around to read the paper produced but it could be a wonderful tool for those in the situation and the ones they love.

On a more personal note.  I have a new friend and we have become very close.  He is very sweet and says I boost his self esteem.  He certainly does that for me.  I don't know where this will lead.  We are moving rather fast.  He "jokingly" proposed to me.  That was a little strange.  My first thought was wait, I am the guy.  Then I realized so is he.  LOL  Keep you posted on that.   

Appears that "No clue" is still residing at the home residence.  I find it hard to believe, I have been dropping hints for awhile.  Any chance wife doesn't want to know?  So, what happens when I come clean and she cannot deny any more? 

Tattoo Part Two

Okay, for those who have asked.  Here is a pic of the tattoo.  Not the best of pics I admit, but considering the location, it isn't like you can go up to a stranger and say "hey, can you take a picture of me with my tattoo?"  Might get arrested.  If you have trouble figuring out where it is, the whites are my tightie whities.  Now that I think I am learning some of the software here, I may be able to post some of the before and after pics that have been asked for.  I have to find some software that I can use to blur faces etc.  I am sure you understand.

The good news is that my tendenitis has FINALLY started to abate.  After 3 long months so I am again hoping to restart my program.

No that isn't me on the left.  But it is a close approximation of what I had managed to accomplish.  Soon as I get the software, and learn how to use it, I will post the real thing.  In the interest of full disclosure, I do not look like that now.  But I am determined to regain it.  Wish me luck guys.

New experiences

Okay, we now know I am not the best at regularly writing.  To say the least.  I feel funny writing when I really don't have anything to say.  I don't want that to be taken as bloggers write about nothing.  I just live a boring life.  At least until last week.  Through a friend of a friend I was invited to a "guys" get together.  Full blown (pun intended) invitation sent via email.  Detailing the scenario/rules.  First off it was to be a nude party.  Strip at the door.  Now, being a closeted nudist at heart, I was intrigued.  I always wondered if I would have the nerve to go through with something like that.  I sent off my acceptance email.  The invitation also covered things of decorum.  Such as don't be afraid to say no to barebacking.  Even if it is expected.  Please have recent AIDS test done. 
While I found all of that great that it was covered, it was kind of surreal in the presentation.  Sort of struck me like the old "nobody wear's white after Labor Day" thing.  Very nonchalant to say the least.  So all day at work I am thinking can I actually go to this?  Well, of course I did.  It was actually a 2 day event and the big crowds were at the first night.  But that was fine with me.  It isn't like I am pleased with my 58 year old body. 
So we only had 7 guys.  It was fun.  Very casual.  Yes there was sex.  That was fun but it wasn't the high point for me in some ways.  It was being around "my own kind" that I enjoyed.  I could say what I wanted about a cute guy.  Reach out and touch something that interested me.  Made some new friends that I hope to have fun with in the future. 
Now the funny part about the evening to be appreciated, you need some demographics of the group.  As I said, I am 58.  I was neither the oldest or youngest.  That was refreshing.  I wasn't the only one married either.  In fact one fellow has been married over 45 years.  I really liked him.  Think a Mayberry kind of guy speaking and naked!  Homespun wisdom and humor.  During a relax and get to know each other phase, the topic turned to....   C'mon you can guess.  What do you think guys over 50 discuss when relaxed and alone?  ED meds and treatments of course.  Okay, it didn't appear anyone had any problems finding treatments that worked.  A wonderful night.  I look forward to the next Gentlemens club get together.

A possible first step.

It has been quite a while since I posted.  A lot has happened as well.  I am in process of changing jobs.  Went and saw a friend of mine who is a lawyer (and shares my name and elements of my story)  First step in coming out.  Have been reassured it won't be the end of the world.

New job looks like it might also be an answer to a prayer.  Will have up to 2 hours set aside in middle of day for workouts to get back in former shape.  If/when I do, I will try to keep all updated on progress with that.  And I will post pics.  I hope to start with some of my previous befores, go to my previous afters then do a now and follow with updates.  I also hope I can inspire others to join in getting themselves in shape and maybe even help them along the way.  The news "bombshell" won't be dropped until Feb for a number of reasons.  But I am hoping the body reshape starts next week.  Wish me luck.
And I want to give thanks to Buddy Bear and many others for their encouragement.  Thanks guys.

Getting body back

So pleased with myself.  I actually ran 4 miles today.  Not my best time (I once did 5 miles in 46 minutes) but it is a start.  I have about 16 weeks before the 1/2 marathon.  Thankfully my goal this time is just to finish.

Later my plan (when I have the courage) is show some before and after pics.  2003 when I was over 300 pounds.  2006 in a speedo and 2007 when I was at what I consider my peak.  I will spare people where I am now. 

Toe in the water

Well, I went to respond to a post and the next thing I knew I have started a blog.  Kind of surreal.  I have read some of the ones here and realize that most of them started out not knowing what they were doing so I guess I am track there.  
So to begin with I guess I should describe myself.  I am a closeted gay male who is trying to get up the courage to come out to my wife and family.  I stumbled on to blogs that describe similiar trips.  No two are the same.  The do however share similiar features.  Fear being the main one.  I have to say, I am a huge coward.  I have known I was gay for at least 40 years and been married for well over 30 years.  Let me correct that.  Although I knew, I did deny it.  20 years ago I had a therapist tell m that I could "fix" it.  Laughable now.  He had me put a rubber band on my wrist and snap it whenever I had gay thoughts.  Well I was convinced I could change.  I had a regular F*** buddy at the time and told him that we couldn't do that anymore.  Thankfully, he accepted that and we stayed friends.  Thanks to the internet, I have stuck up conversations/friendships with many people all over the world.  My closest two advise against coming out.  They point out I have a lot to lose.  They are right in a financial sense.  But in a mental sense, I think I may have a lot to gain.  Any thoughts along those lines will be appreciated.  Wish me luck.

Skier