Here it is almost 2 months since I moved out and came out. I'm getting used to living alone. In fact, I rather enjoy it. I'm developing some good habits about housekeeping and have only ONCE ordered Delivery Pizza. Have what I consider great news to share. FINALLY got it through to her that I wasn't the only one to blame for this situation. In fact, with a lot of effort, my therapist showed me that in fact I had been the victim of some serious psychological abuse from her for many many years. After quite awhile, I was able to make my wife see that. I finally got what I wanted from her regarding that. I heartfelt apology for the way she had treated me and for the pain she has caused me.
I would like to think she really meant it. I would also love to know if she was really as unaware of it as she claims. BUT, I am not going to pursue it. It was kind of funny how it came about. I had prepared this long email to her brother detailing what I felt were the issues/problems. I wanted her to read it before I sent it. She was getting ready to have knee replacement surgery the next day. I admit to wanting to ruin her peace. Only because she said she didn't want to discuss my pain because she was going to have surgery. And that was over a week before the surgery. In the letter (which was really meant for her to read) I went over the examples of her abuse over the years and pointed out that while she wanted honesty, her whole family kept secrets. I don't mean little ones either. All the makings of a good soap opera. Previous wives and children. Felony convictions and abortion. I hated to have to go the heavy drama route but experience has shown me it is the only way to get her to take me seriously! A point I covered in the email.
After the surgery, I went by to see her of course. She said "go ahead and send as is" I asked if she were sure. I asked twice. When I mentioned a couple of the bombshells in the letter her comment was that they weren't in there. I finally had to ask if she had actually read it. She said she had but I can't believe she would have risked her brother asking her mother about some of the secrets. I asked her if she finally understood what I was talking about. She said she was beginning to. Progress!!! So, last Friday, I brought up the subject again. One friend said I was beating a dead horse, but it was important to me. After hitting close to things, she stopped texting. I had asked her if she felt any guilt at all. She said yes. I asked her if she felt guilty about the treatment she gave me. Because that was REALLY the only thing she was guilty of. When she didn't answer I went, in her words, ballistic. I sent off some very nasty texts etc. Finally she texted back that she was feeling sick and had gone to sleep for 3 hours. I apologized of course. I mean I was very wrong. But, I pointed out that I was figuring she was falling back on her old patterns. THAT rung the bell for her. Amazing to me in a way. That was all I had to say??? Anyway, she apologized. I was so happy. Still am. She made a comment that she would remember how I went ballistic when falling into old patterns. At first I thought that was a threat, so I didn't say anything at all. I realized that what she meant was she wasn't going to do it again. I know she will of course, but I will try very hard to remember that all I have to do is remind her that we don't use any of the old methods any more. Too painful for us. Funny when I pointed that out, she more than agreed. We may survive this after all. I did not send the letter btw.
On other fronts, I learned a few lessons the hard way.
Be careful with shaving and depilatories. Do research first.
Don't fall asleep with a cock ring on.
Another thing that happened was I went for a physical. Long overdue. The reason overdue was I really connected with my nurse practioner. He spent time doing the physical and listened when I spoke. The new doctor I had only met briefly with emergency type things like tendonitis and muscle spasms. Turns out, he is every bit as good as Gene was. His first comment was on the weight loss. Great he said. Well, not really I corrected. Of course he looked at me funny so I explained how I had moved out. Then told him "in the interest of full disclosure and believing you don't like to your priest, bartender or doctor, I also told my wife I was probably gay two weeks after that. He was amazing. Didn't get all strange for example. We did discuss the health implications etc. Suggested I get a Hepatitis A vaccination. Digress here for moment: Anyone have male/male sex should get this. Seems it is at greater frequency. He also felt the need to discuss safe sex. I already knew that of course and he was pleased. But I do have to share the funniest part of the whole physical. Funny in a way he didn't pick up on yet. He starts the prostate exam and just as he would have with anyone else, he says the usual MD jargon "there will be some pressure etc" Considering the previous conversation, I just found it humorous. If it had been Gene doing that after the conversation (I never told him) I would have said something like "Really Gene? Think that finger is bigger than what I have already tried?" Yes, I have a warped sense of humor. And believe me Gene would have laughed. If I ever run into him I will have to tell him about it. After all, once he asked me if anyone had done an exam on me lately. My response? I batted my eyes and said "just you Gene" LOL
Finally I have to say my local bar had an undies night. It was hilarious. Good turnout. Some nice eye candy and I couldn't believe I worked up the courage to fully participate. With specially bought underwear of course.
Take care everyone.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Request
A while back, I said I would tell any guy in my position that it does get better and coming out to wife and family is a good thing. In that vein, I am passing on a video that was sent to me. No, it isn't about someone in my position, but it is an important point. So important, that when he requested I put in a blog post, I said I would. And to be honest, I haven't learned enough about Blog posts to use HTML. Buddy, you will have to email me with tips. LOL .
I also told my anonymous friend, that even before I figured out how to put the link in my blog (BTW, he lives in a country where it can be a death sentence to be gay) I was going to put link to my Facebook page. I'm not "out" to the general public yet and may never be, but I felt this video was so powerful and important that it was necessary. Marriage equality is an important civil right. Why? Because in the case of this video, the deceased wishes were NOT carried out. I cannot think of anything more important that those wishes! How would any of US feel if we knew our wishes weren't going to be carried out?
As much as I stressed over my situation, it pales in comparison to this one. PLEASE spread the word. If you are out, put it on your FB page. If you aren't try and think of a way to publicize it. A "I found this interesting" would help. If we can get all the thinking feeling people to see it, we WILL make a difference. The close minded bigots are really a small minority! Don't let them continue to win.
Thank you.
From a friend Please share.
I also told my anonymous friend, that even before I figured out how to put the link in my blog (BTW, he lives in a country where it can be a death sentence to be gay) I was going to put link to my Facebook page. I'm not "out" to the general public yet and may never be, but I felt this video was so powerful and important that it was necessary. Marriage equality is an important civil right. Why? Because in the case of this video, the deceased wishes were NOT carried out. I cannot think of anything more important that those wishes! How would any of US feel if we knew our wishes weren't going to be carried out?
As much as I stressed over my situation, it pales in comparison to this one. PLEASE spread the word. If you are out, put it on your FB page. If you aren't try and think of a way to publicize it. A "I found this interesting" would help. If we can get all the thinking feeling people to see it, we WILL make a difference. The close minded bigots are really a small minority! Don't let them continue to win.
Thank you.
From a friend Please share.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Amazing Revelation
So I had an appointment with Steve yesterday. Funny thing was on Wednesday when received call to remind me, I almost said to cancel it. I felt I was doing well and the thought of sleeping in on Friday was calling to me. Good thing I didn't.
I will try to share enough basics to bring up to speed. We allowed my son's girl friend to move in with us when her dad ran away (a whole movie just in that month period but not here) almost 3 years ago. She comes from a lower middle class or lower background. To her, we must have appeared wealthy. Anyway, to help her finish school and get job we obtained a car for her. It got wrecked. Used the insurance money to get another. Wish she was supposed to get loan to pay for. I nagged for that. As you can guess, I was ignored. So 2 weeks ago, I find out that the car may have a blown engine. I find that out when I went by house to pick up stuff. I get upset. Sarah goes "you can't come by if you get upset. Real life happens here" Kind of pissed me off, but I let it go. So on Thursday, she finds out that this girl did not do as told to get it towed. It is now in impound. Sarah finds out on her way home from business trip. While in the airport in Atlanta with her work colleagues. She explodes! In front of them. Comments made to her included "I've never seen you that mad" So, guess what she does? She calls me Friday morning! Wakes me up with the fact she had to pay almost $700 to get it out of impound. I explode. She seems surprised I mean WTF. I had been trying to get the money for a while and I am against this in the first place. OF course I was going to explode. She made the comment that she yelled at her "Do you think I am made of money?" I responded "Yes, because that is what we have taught her. We enabled her" Of course I did not mean we. but I'm trying to be nice.
So, I am now awake and angry. Get showered and off to therapy. Did I mention that Steve is awesome. So I relate the morning's events. I use this as an example of why I really don't want Sarah handling the finances. In fact, before I went to see him, I sent an email to Sarah. In it I stated while I didn't feel that way now, here were my thoughts when I hung up phone. Okay, I give up. Lets go see the lawyers, lets lose everything we worked to build. I don't care. I can live quite nicely in my little apartment on my salary. YOU cannot live with the bills we have without my salary. But I will not let you drag me down with you.
Steve finally explains to me in a way I grasp, that I am enabling her! He asked me if it was MY responsibility to make sure she doesn't. I said of course it is my responsibility. He asked me again why is it mine. I said well because of the kids etc. Again, he points out things to me that I "knew" but didn't really know. For example that I actually did have a reason for my anger. In the email I sent Sarah I said if the things I said made her angry, not to text or call me until she cooled down. Then I didn't hear from her. So when I got off work, I sent text that I was off work. She called and we had a difficult call. I had melt down, screamed, cried very upset. I do not like myself like that. And I sure as hell don't want anyone else to see or here me like that! I was so angry. I finally acknowledged that anger both to her and myself. She said, I don't understand it, but I get it. I screamed that NO, if she doesn't understand it, she can not possibly get it. The only thing I did "wrong" was be gay. And I can't help that! She had responded to my email with we can talk about this on Sunday when we meet. As for the rest of the stuff, she didn't feel need to comment. So I responded with a comment that I just didn't know I would be in the position of forgiving her. Or that it would be so hard.
Now today, I did say I was a slow learner, I had an amazing revelation while showering. I did not move out because I was gay! I moved out because I was angry. And I have right to be angry. I was just as mistreated as she was by me. And to be honest, hers did come first. But I always felt I married out of my league and therefore should just be grateful for what I had.
So, this morning, I asked if she had told the girl she had until June 1st to move out. Oh and btw, did you read my response. She hadn't. She texts back later that she had read it and her concern was that I don't forgive her. And that she was in a precarious position. So, I knew I had to call her and did. I told her that for ME, I had to forgive her. Eventually, I asked her if her comments were meant as an apology. She said yes. I told her that was the first I had an apology for any of this. At least from my viewpoint. Ah life! Why do we hold on so tightly?
I will try to share enough basics to bring up to speed. We allowed my son's girl friend to move in with us when her dad ran away (a whole movie just in that month period but not here) almost 3 years ago. She comes from a lower middle class or lower background. To her, we must have appeared wealthy. Anyway, to help her finish school and get job we obtained a car for her. It got wrecked. Used the insurance money to get another. Wish she was supposed to get loan to pay for. I nagged for that. As you can guess, I was ignored. So 2 weeks ago, I find out that the car may have a blown engine. I find that out when I went by house to pick up stuff. I get upset. Sarah goes "you can't come by if you get upset. Real life happens here" Kind of pissed me off, but I let it go. So on Thursday, she finds out that this girl did not do as told to get it towed. It is now in impound. Sarah finds out on her way home from business trip. While in the airport in Atlanta with her work colleagues. She explodes! In front of them. Comments made to her included "I've never seen you that mad" So, guess what she does? She calls me Friday morning! Wakes me up with the fact she had to pay almost $700 to get it out of impound. I explode. She seems surprised I mean WTF. I had been trying to get the money for a while and I am against this in the first place. OF course I was going to explode. She made the comment that she yelled at her "Do you think I am made of money?" I responded "Yes, because that is what we have taught her. We enabled her" Of course I did not mean we. but I'm trying to be nice.
So, I am now awake and angry. Get showered and off to therapy. Did I mention that Steve is awesome. So I relate the morning's events. I use this as an example of why I really don't want Sarah handling the finances. In fact, before I went to see him, I sent an email to Sarah. In it I stated while I didn't feel that way now, here were my thoughts when I hung up phone. Okay, I give up. Lets go see the lawyers, lets lose everything we worked to build. I don't care. I can live quite nicely in my little apartment on my salary. YOU cannot live with the bills we have without my salary. But I will not let you drag me down with you.
Steve finally explains to me in a way I grasp, that I am enabling her! He asked me if it was MY responsibility to make sure she doesn't. I said of course it is my responsibility. He asked me again why is it mine. I said well because of the kids etc. Again, he points out things to me that I "knew" but didn't really know. For example that I actually did have a reason for my anger. In the email I sent Sarah I said if the things I said made her angry, not to text or call me until she cooled down. Then I didn't hear from her. So when I got off work, I sent text that I was off work. She called and we had a difficult call. I had melt down, screamed, cried very upset. I do not like myself like that. And I sure as hell don't want anyone else to see or here me like that! I was so angry. I finally acknowledged that anger both to her and myself. She said, I don't understand it, but I get it. I screamed that NO, if she doesn't understand it, she can not possibly get it. The only thing I did "wrong" was be gay. And I can't help that! She had responded to my email with we can talk about this on Sunday when we meet. As for the rest of the stuff, she didn't feel need to comment. So I responded with a comment that I just didn't know I would be in the position of forgiving her. Or that it would be so hard.
Now today, I did say I was a slow learner, I had an amazing revelation while showering. I did not move out because I was gay! I moved out because I was angry. And I have right to be angry. I was just as mistreated as she was by me. And to be honest, hers did come first. But I always felt I married out of my league and therefore should just be grateful for what I had.
So, this morning, I asked if she had told the girl she had until June 1st to move out. Oh and btw, did you read my response. She hadn't. She texts back later that she had read it and her concern was that I don't forgive her. And that she was in a precarious position. So, I knew I had to call her and did. I told her that for ME, I had to forgive her. Eventually, I asked her if her comments were meant as an apology. She said yes. I told her that was the first I had an apology for any of this. At least from my viewpoint. Ah life! Why do we hold on so tightly?
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Sudoku
I love this game. I start each day by doing my mental exercises to it. If there is anyone here who plays it, you know it can be very frustrating as well. I think that is an apt description of things are in my mind at times. I stare at a problem for awhile then I see a step forward. At times, just like in the game, I see several steps at a time after being stumped for what seems like forever. Pass that roadblock and move on. Great feeling moving on. However, just like the game, each step depends on the previous one being right. Sometimes, you won't learn you made a mistake until the last number is entered. Then, in the game, the screen highlights the row or rows that are incorrect. It would be nice if it did it at the time you made the error, but it doesn't. So I clear out the screen and start over. My life over the past has been a lot like the game in that I see a couple of moves, make them and see more. Think I am making progress and at the end realize I made a mistake somewhere along the way. Do the best at clearing the screen and start over.
Well, today, I feel as if I have finally been putting the right pieces into place. I am enjoying my life at last! Weight is starting to come under control (don't recommend the stress diet, but I am down 40 pounds). Headed to do some treadmill work after finish this AND making plans to do 1/2 marathon in November. Of course since I haven't gotten to the end there is that worry that I may find I made a mistake that will mess things up at the end. But I don't think so. Of course it may just be that I am going to finish this game and start another. I'm okay with that though. I will be okay with starting that one over each time it is necessary to move on! Have a great day everyone.
Well, today, I feel as if I have finally been putting the right pieces into place. I am enjoying my life at last! Weight is starting to come under control (don't recommend the stress diet, but I am down 40 pounds). Headed to do some treadmill work after finish this AND making plans to do 1/2 marathon in November. Of course since I haven't gotten to the end there is that worry that I may find I made a mistake that will mess things up at the end. But I don't think so. Of course it may just be that I am going to finish this game and start another. I'm okay with that though. I will be okay with starting that one over each time it is necessary to move on! Have a great day everyone.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Slow Learner
So, I have been on a journey that I thought with end with the "bomb". Is seems that I still have some ways to go. I hate when they move the goal posts!
Things I have learned recently:
1)From my good friend Buddy I learned that while for me (us) this is very central at this time, most people really don't care much. And I so wanted to believe that, but didn't. Then I started to slowly let close friends know this week. And he is right. I think my favorite comment was by a friend who said "who cares, you are still you"
2)From my friend Michelle, I learned that when you are loved, that person LOVES you. Thank you so much Michelle. When you wrote about the pain your Jerry was going through, I could so feel it. You showed me that it was the total package that counted. You understood what he gave up to try and be normal. That you understood that he didn't chose this. You didn't just say those things, you showed you really believed in them. That was so instrumental for me. It lead me to ....
3)I Finally can accept what my beloved wife has been telling me. Up until today, I really didn't. I figured she was just trying to say the right things. That she couldn't possibly mean the things she was saying. For example, when we talked on sunday, she made the comment to me that for me to ever move back into the house, things would have to change. I responded that I can't change being gay. She said that wasn't what she was talking about. On Sunday, I couldn't accept that. Now I can. That doesn't mean we will ever live together again. It doesn't mean we won't. It means (I hope I have this right) that I need to work on ME before anything can even be discussed. We are still friends and I am so grateful for that. I NOW think we always will be. I have been very worried about how people will treat HER when they find out I am gay. Now I understand she has already dealt with that. Did I mention she was amazing? She truly is. Neither of us knows what the future will hold. But I did tell her I would let her read this entry. But not the earlier ones. So, I will cut and paste this into an email. It will be exactly the same as what I post. Someday, who knows, I may let her read these things. One of the things I brought up on Sunday was that eventually, she will run into me on a date with someone. I asked her if she would be okay with that. Her response? If they would be okay with her. I had never entertained that thought. It floored me to say the least. She said they might be uncomfortable with her coming up and giving me a hug and kiss. I can't imagine that happening. Everyone loves her. After she explained things to me. (Did I mention I can be pretty dense at times) I could see what she was talking about. As I told her, we have a bond. It may not be the usual one, but it is there. Always will be we both agree. SO, for me to have a relationship with someone, they had better accept that. If they can't accept her, then I have no use for them. It isn't like I have a new woman and that woman is jealous of the old one. I didn't leave the former one for a new one. I moved out because I needed to get my head on straight. Which translates as I am still loving my wife, but accepting the fact that I don't love woman the way I "should". I put that in quotes not because I think I am whatever, but because that is part of my acceptance of who I am. And this week has really been that for me.
Updates: I have started going back to church. I left because I felt the church couldn't accept me. I think the problem was I couldn't accept me. I prayed that I was no longer going to "pray away the gay" I started praying to accept things. I felt very much more at peace afterwards. I think I will continue to go. It isn't the church of my upbringing, I don't think they will ever accept me. Well, they accept us as long as we give up sex. Not really accepting is it? I mean, we are sexual beings. God made me this way and I FINALLY believe he is okay with me. I did say I was a slow learner at the beginning didn't I.
Things I have learned recently:
1)From my good friend Buddy I learned that while for me (us) this is very central at this time, most people really don't care much. And I so wanted to believe that, but didn't. Then I started to slowly let close friends know this week. And he is right. I think my favorite comment was by a friend who said "who cares, you are still you"
2)From my friend Michelle, I learned that when you are loved, that person LOVES you. Thank you so much Michelle. When you wrote about the pain your Jerry was going through, I could so feel it. You showed me that it was the total package that counted. You understood what he gave up to try and be normal. That you understood that he didn't chose this. You didn't just say those things, you showed you really believed in them. That was so instrumental for me. It lead me to ....
3)I Finally can accept what my beloved wife has been telling me. Up until today, I really didn't. I figured she was just trying to say the right things. That she couldn't possibly mean the things she was saying. For example, when we talked on sunday, she made the comment to me that for me to ever move back into the house, things would have to change. I responded that I can't change being gay. She said that wasn't what she was talking about. On Sunday, I couldn't accept that. Now I can. That doesn't mean we will ever live together again. It doesn't mean we won't. It means (I hope I have this right) that I need to work on ME before anything can even be discussed. We are still friends and I am so grateful for that. I NOW think we always will be. I have been very worried about how people will treat HER when they find out I am gay. Now I understand she has already dealt with that. Did I mention she was amazing? She truly is. Neither of us knows what the future will hold. But I did tell her I would let her read this entry. But not the earlier ones. So, I will cut and paste this into an email. It will be exactly the same as what I post. Someday, who knows, I may let her read these things. One of the things I brought up on Sunday was that eventually, she will run into me on a date with someone. I asked her if she would be okay with that. Her response? If they would be okay with her. I had never entertained that thought. It floored me to say the least. She said they might be uncomfortable with her coming up and giving me a hug and kiss. I can't imagine that happening. Everyone loves her. After she explained things to me. (Did I mention I can be pretty dense at times) I could see what she was talking about. As I told her, we have a bond. It may not be the usual one, but it is there. Always will be we both agree. SO, for me to have a relationship with someone, they had better accept that. If they can't accept her, then I have no use for them. It isn't like I have a new woman and that woman is jealous of the old one. I didn't leave the former one for a new one. I moved out because I needed to get my head on straight. Which translates as I am still loving my wife, but accepting the fact that I don't love woman the way I "should". I put that in quotes not because I think I am whatever, but because that is part of my acceptance of who I am. And this week has really been that for me.
Updates: I have started going back to church. I left because I felt the church couldn't accept me. I think the problem was I couldn't accept me. I prayed that I was no longer going to "pray away the gay" I started praying to accept things. I felt very much more at peace afterwards. I think I will continue to go. It isn't the church of my upbringing, I don't think they will ever accept me. Well, they accept us as long as we give up sex. Not really accepting is it? I mean, we are sexual beings. God made me this way and I FINALLY believe he is okay with me. I did say I was a slow learner at the beginning didn't I.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Self Loathing?
Don't have time for a long post, but I have a question for others out there.
I recently had a discussion with my wife and it seems she is more upset with the way I have been treating her over the last time period prior to moving out than she is with my being gay! I cannot seem to wrap my mind around that. I look at it as the treatment was indeed awful, but that is now over. The gayness is still here. To me, that is where her anger should be directed. After a discussion with a vey good friend, I realized that while I have accepted being gay, I still don't want to be gay.
Okay, now for the question: Is this a normal or at least common step in this process? Will I get past this? Of course I will be discussing this with Steve at next session, but I was curious as to how it might be in the "real" world. Please give me some feedback. I really need it.
I recently had a discussion with my wife and it seems she is more upset with the way I have been treating her over the last time period prior to moving out than she is with my being gay! I cannot seem to wrap my mind around that. I look at it as the treatment was indeed awful, but that is now over. The gayness is still here. To me, that is where her anger should be directed. After a discussion with a vey good friend, I realized that while I have accepted being gay, I still don't want to be gay.
Okay, now for the question: Is this a normal or at least common step in this process? Will I get past this? Of course I will be discussing this with Steve at next session, but I was curious as to how it might be in the "real" world. Please give me some feedback. I really need it.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
A week later
Well it has been a week since the news. Like everything else, it has been a roller coaster. Hate to keep using that metaphor, but it so fits things.
At first she was fine. No rush to do anything like splitting up stuff. Monday, I get text that indicates she is not fine anymore. Don't get me wrong. I know that she will be all over the place. But it is dizzying at times. I finally get her to agree to at least come talk to me. We talk for another 2 hours and I think she is okay again. Till the next time. I am not complaining about what she is feeling, that is to be expected. I just don't want her to do anything she will regret later.
Saturday after I told her, she was getting her hair/nails done. I had mine cut earlier and waited around to see her. Well as near as I can figure, she was discussing the separation with her friend there. One of the others overheard and asked her to go outside to talk with her. THEN she came right out and asked her if I was GAY!! She never answered but it appears this lady always thought I was gay. Nosy busybody. I didn't learn about this until Monday btw. I have to say that I did love the text wife sent me the next day. And I quote "We will work out what works best for us. Fuck all others" I hope she can hold onto that thought. For her sake as much as mine. We have built up assets over the years that we want to leave our kids. NOT the lawyers. Or sell at fire sale prices. Sounds crass I guess, but we worked very hard for them. I hope well meaning people will just let the two of us handle things.
At first she was fine. No rush to do anything like splitting up stuff. Monday, I get text that indicates she is not fine anymore. Don't get me wrong. I know that she will be all over the place. But it is dizzying at times. I finally get her to agree to at least come talk to me. We talk for another 2 hours and I think she is okay again. Till the next time. I am not complaining about what she is feeling, that is to be expected. I just don't want her to do anything she will regret later.
Saturday after I told her, she was getting her hair/nails done. I had mine cut earlier and waited around to see her. Well as near as I can figure, she was discussing the separation with her friend there. One of the others overheard and asked her to go outside to talk with her. THEN she came right out and asked her if I was GAY!! She never answered but it appears this lady always thought I was gay. Nosy busybody. I didn't learn about this until Monday btw. I have to say that I did love the text wife sent me the next day. And I quote "We will work out what works best for us. Fuck all others" I hope she can hold onto that thought. For her sake as much as mine. We have built up assets over the years that we want to leave our kids. NOT the lawyers. Or sell at fire sale prices. Sounds crass I guess, but we worked very hard for them. I hope well meaning people will just let the two of us handle things.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Giddy with happiness
Well, it has been two days since the bomb dropped. Or I guess I could say the bomb proved to be a dud. Woke up on Saturday and sent her a text asking if I had dreamed the previous night. She assured me I hadn't. I again told her she was amazing and she couldn't understand why I think that. She gave all the correct logical answers as to why she was so okay with it. But as we all know, people aren't always logical. Heck, Spock had trouble on occasion.
So, back to friday night, we both agreed we don't know what will happen next. We will keep all options open for the moment. We both know I have a year lease. We both know we are bonded together with a renewed friendship. We discussed the next two planned vacations. One to Hawaii at Thanksgiving and the ski trip to Utah next Feb. We also discussed the fact that at some future time one us may meet Mr. Right. He will have to accept that we have a unique relationship. She still doesn't think she will date or find anyone. I don't see how that will be possible once it is known she is "available" but that is something for her to deal with she reminded me. She even said if I found someone, I could bring them on the trips.
Okay, so now we are up to Saturday. I slept the best sleep Friday night that I have had in a very long time as you can imagine. Realized I am a complete idiot at times. Moved my stuff into new apartment like meds etc. Forgot clothes. Which was okay really, I had to go by house to pick up stuff anyway, so, I decided it was time for a haircut and went and got that done. Knew she was going there for nails etc. So I hung around to say hello before going and getting my gear. We have both been going to the same place for years and several knew I had moved out or was getting ready to. When she came in and gave me a kiss, I'm sure they were more than a bit confused. But I knew she was headed to spend rest of weekend with our daughter so I wanted to see her before she went. She appreciated that.
Next step? Text to daughter to call me. I was on phone when she did and didn't get to her as soon as she thought I should have. So, I call her back and she answers the phone with (as only an offspring can do) "What do you want" Nice, but you with kids know what I mean. So I told her. Talk about a non-issue. So, I'm feeling pretty confident about this coming out stuff. Called one of the people who went to Sweden with us. A 30 year old kid I taught to ski, met through my daughter's friends etc. I call him up to fill him in. He was amazed. He also had no clue. Which amazed me because he was a stripper in a gay club at one time. He is straight by the way. Really was almost a non-issue there as well. Like my daughter, he was just glad Sarah and I weren't about to kill each other anymore. So he says I have to call another the circle of friends of my daughter's that I am close to. He had been have stress issues as well and we had talked about them. Again, no clue. He was very supportive as well. Later that night, they all went out to dinner and while there decided to call me and put me on speaker phone. We had a great time. For someone of my generation to have such acceptance from kids 30 years younger than me was gratifying to say the least. Gives me hope for the country to know that young people can be so accepting and willing to give emotional support to this old guy!
So know, I am on a roll. I decide to go for broke and tell my mother-in-law. Allow me to digress and tell you about this amazing woman. She will be 92 later this month. She has survived Breast Cancer, widowhood and the deaths of two infant children. She has been better to me than my own mother ever was. It killed me when she was angry with me over this crap. So I sat down with her in the kitchen as I have done so many times over the last 40 years. Wow, it has been a long time! I said with my eyes starting to brim with tears that I owed her the real reason why I had to move out. I thought I was gay. She laughed. Seriously and looked at me and said "you're not gay" When I told I was, she said what makes the difference? Bottom line, she still loves me as well. I mean damn, if I had known it was going to be that well accepted, I would have done it a long time ago. Now for any readers of blogs, I am sure you have seen that written many times before. The only one I havent told yet is my almost 19 year old son. I think Sarah and I MUST both be there for that. He isn't one of my fans in the first place. OTOH, who knows, he my actually feel my pain. That would show a lot of growth in him and would please both him mom and myself. Here's hoping.
That brings us to today. I had a couple of friends who were going to help me unload my van and I was going to fix them the dinner I mentioned in earlier post. Well they are two young men who work where I eat breakfast most mornings. They were also going to help me rearrange the furniture in the new place. They also are chefs. So here I am going to learn to cook and have first big dinner for two young chefs. How's that for chutzpah. Anyway, after the first one got there and I found out the second was going to be awhile, I decided to break the news. Both because he is a good friend (whom I started teaching skiing to this year and was to go to Sweden this year) and because I didn't want him to be in the position of not knowing if something were ever said. You know the whole guilt by association thing. Again, a non-issue. Which was repeated when his friend got there.
I am the luckiest person around I think. I have family that loves me no matter what it seems and friends that also support me. The saying is so true. It DOES get better.
I hope that answers Cubby's request for more info. I am not saying goodbye but I have no clue what to write about since this was my biggest thing in life. I hope I can help someone else on this journey though. More than that, I hope with people accepting things, LESS people will have to make this journey. When I first decided to write, I had no idea what to call my blog. But it appears my title was spot on. THANKS TO ALL THE OTHER BLOGGERS. I don't think this could have happened without each and every one of you.
Kevin
So, back to friday night, we both agreed we don't know what will happen next. We will keep all options open for the moment. We both know I have a year lease. We both know we are bonded together with a renewed friendship. We discussed the next two planned vacations. One to Hawaii at Thanksgiving and the ski trip to Utah next Feb. We also discussed the fact that at some future time one us may meet Mr. Right. He will have to accept that we have a unique relationship. She still doesn't think she will date or find anyone. I don't see how that will be possible once it is known she is "available" but that is something for her to deal with she reminded me. She even said if I found someone, I could bring them on the trips.
Okay, so now we are up to Saturday. I slept the best sleep Friday night that I have had in a very long time as you can imagine. Realized I am a complete idiot at times. Moved my stuff into new apartment like meds etc. Forgot clothes. Which was okay really, I had to go by house to pick up stuff anyway, so, I decided it was time for a haircut and went and got that done. Knew she was going there for nails etc. So I hung around to say hello before going and getting my gear. We have both been going to the same place for years and several knew I had moved out or was getting ready to. When she came in and gave me a kiss, I'm sure they were more than a bit confused. But I knew she was headed to spend rest of weekend with our daughter so I wanted to see her before she went. She appreciated that.
Next step? Text to daughter to call me. I was on phone when she did and didn't get to her as soon as she thought I should have. So, I call her back and she answers the phone with (as only an offspring can do) "What do you want" Nice, but you with kids know what I mean. So I told her. Talk about a non-issue. So, I'm feeling pretty confident about this coming out stuff. Called one of the people who went to Sweden with us. A 30 year old kid I taught to ski, met through my daughter's friends etc. I call him up to fill him in. He was amazed. He also had no clue. Which amazed me because he was a stripper in a gay club at one time. He is straight by the way. Really was almost a non-issue there as well. Like my daughter, he was just glad Sarah and I weren't about to kill each other anymore. So he says I have to call another the circle of friends of my daughter's that I am close to. He had been have stress issues as well and we had talked about them. Again, no clue. He was very supportive as well. Later that night, they all went out to dinner and while there decided to call me and put me on speaker phone. We had a great time. For someone of my generation to have such acceptance from kids 30 years younger than me was gratifying to say the least. Gives me hope for the country to know that young people can be so accepting and willing to give emotional support to this old guy!
So know, I am on a roll. I decide to go for broke and tell my mother-in-law. Allow me to digress and tell you about this amazing woman. She will be 92 later this month. She has survived Breast Cancer, widowhood and the deaths of two infant children. She has been better to me than my own mother ever was. It killed me when she was angry with me over this crap. So I sat down with her in the kitchen as I have done so many times over the last 40 years. Wow, it has been a long time! I said with my eyes starting to brim with tears that I owed her the real reason why I had to move out. I thought I was gay. She laughed. Seriously and looked at me and said "you're not gay" When I told I was, she said what makes the difference? Bottom line, she still loves me as well. I mean damn, if I had known it was going to be that well accepted, I would have done it a long time ago. Now for any readers of blogs, I am sure you have seen that written many times before. The only one I havent told yet is my almost 19 year old son. I think Sarah and I MUST both be there for that. He isn't one of my fans in the first place. OTOH, who knows, he my actually feel my pain. That would show a lot of growth in him and would please both him mom and myself. Here's hoping.
That brings us to today. I had a couple of friends who were going to help me unload my van and I was going to fix them the dinner I mentioned in earlier post. Well they are two young men who work where I eat breakfast most mornings. They were also going to help me rearrange the furniture in the new place. They also are chefs. So here I am going to learn to cook and have first big dinner for two young chefs. How's that for chutzpah. Anyway, after the first one got there and I found out the second was going to be awhile, I decided to break the news. Both because he is a good friend (whom I started teaching skiing to this year and was to go to Sweden this year) and because I didn't want him to be in the position of not knowing if something were ever said. You know the whole guilt by association thing. Again, a non-issue. Which was repeated when his friend got there.
I am the luckiest person around I think. I have family that loves me no matter what it seems and friends that also support me. The saying is so true. It DOES get better.
I hope that answers Cubby's request for more info. I am not saying goodbye but I have no clue what to write about since this was my biggest thing in life. I hope I can help someone else on this journey though. More than that, I hope with people accepting things, LESS people will have to make this journey. When I first decided to write, I had no idea what to call my blog. But it appears my title was spot on. THANKS TO ALL THE OTHER BLOGGERS. I don't think this could have happened without each and every one of you.
Kevin
Friday, March 30, 2012
Well, I did it!!!!
It is 1:30 am and I can barely keep my eyes open. But, I wanted to announce that I did it! Sarah and I talked tonight, I came clean, I am out to her. I feel so relieved. More will come later of course. Michelle and Iris, Sarah has said she would like to email both of you. So, I will give her your emails. Please be gentle. I tried to be as gentle with her as I could. I didn't tell her all the misbehavior I have done. I DID say I hadn't been faithful, and for the present we will leave it at that. I told everyone, she is amazing.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Three may be the charm
We had our third session tonight. She really is an amazing woman. I was very apprehensive going in. After last week, to say I was gun shy would be an understatement. Early on, though, I knew she grasped the severity of the situation! She wanted me to do a suicide contract with Steve. Okay, that is understandable given my past medical history. I complained that "here you want me to share my feelings, and I don't think I can now" Steve (he really is the best) pointed out that I was just trying to be transparent (when did that term gain such prominence?) Exactly. I really started this process because I DON'T want to die. We passed that. Steve made me promise to call him if I have such thoughts. Silly really in a way. When I have such thoughts, I don't want to call anybody. IOW, it is too late. But I am going to try. I have come pretty far after all. Sarah was looking so good. When asked by Steve, she said she was doing very well and in fact her boss told her that her presentation was the best in many months. I looked at her and said you are welcome, but I don't think she grasped the concept. I told her that if I were in her shoes, I would never take me back. I mean really, she is getting back to her old self. And that is due to being away from me. When pointed out, she said she didn't want the "me" that I am now, she wanted the me she fell in love with. God how I wish I could produce that person. I am not at all sure he can be saved. Overall it was a good session. No matter what, I think she will be okay. That is so important to me. To be honest, I don't think even I realized how much that was important to me. She said she wanted me to focus on getting me better. GUILT? anyone? I mean, one the one hand, I think she will take pity on me and understand that this hasn't been easy for me. She says she will anyway. But damn, how can I expect her to accept that I am gay? Or that I might be gay? Or that I am not sure? To be honest, I really do wish I hadn't started this journey. I mean, why was I so selfish? She has been a good wife. True, I don't agree with a lot of the ways we did the child rearing. But, it isn't like they are monsters. I have so many self doubts. On the one hand, I think: Okay, now is the time to open up and tell her everything. OTOH, I think: She may accept the seperation/divorce better if she doesn't know all the details. We talked about the "sabbatical" tonight as well. She thinks it is a good idea for a lot of reasons. BUT, we haven't touched on the rules we will have. Can we date for example? It was almost like she was "Okay, we live in seperate places. Nothing else has changed" Will I have to spell it our for her? I want human closeness? I will be seeing other people? And since I don't think she has considered that at all, I will have to go through this again. Damn, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. And believe me, I thought it would be hard.
Thanks to all for your support.
AND, I am so glad AWILWAGM is doing well. It is one of the things I hold on to. Also thanks to her for whatever reason she had her friend Iris read my posts. Those comments have been so helpful as well.
I do hope the next generation doesn't have to deal with what we have.
Night all.
Thanks to all for your support.
AND, I am so glad AWILWAGM is doing well. It is one of the things I hold on to. Also thanks to her for whatever reason she had her friend Iris read my posts. Those comments have been so helpful as well.
I do hope the next generation doesn't have to deal with what we have.
Night all.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Well, the anger came out. And how!
So Friday we have another session. Last week I was worried about HER because she was taking too much blame on herself. This week, not so much. Apparently while maybe not all my fault. It mostly is. This time I was the one caught off guard. I guess she just took longer to express her hurt/anger. But like the overachiever she is, she made up for lost time. I will never schedule an appointment at 8am again!! In the first place, I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't get back to sleep thinking about later that day. Secondly and more important, I was not in shape to go to work afterwards. But I had to. One of the longest days in my life I think. Such a headache I had by the end. I sent Sarah a text saying we needed to talk (like counselor says, we avoid things and I am trying not to here) Her response was okay, I will call tomorrow. To confess I didn't take that very well. At first I said okay, but since I had a long drive, I thought and thought about it. SO I pressed the issue. When she said she couldn't because she was going to watch a friend play pool, I kind of lost it. I mean really? I / we are less important? I may have been unreasonable, and I have since apologized, but I have tried to minimize her hurting. So she finally does call me and talks. She is upset I pushed the issue and tried to make it sound like "oh, we talk when YOU want to?" So, afterwards, I feel like a real piece of crap. Bad thoughts etc. Went to see friend who talked me down so to speak. By Saturday, I was doing much better. So, I went with earlier plans and picked up furniture and set up delivery time. I even planned my first night of what I am going to cook. Enchiladas and refried beans. Maybe some mexican rice, and of course Margaritas! Here are some pics of what I will be getting. Sarah is pleased with my picks.
The above is the bedroom set. Hidden storage in the headboard and the night stand is setup to have stuff plugged in like my cell phone. To the left is the living room set I picked out. IF things work out and we get back together, we have a place to put these things to replace older stuff. If not, I won't have to have junk.
Here is the Dining room set. So there you have it. This is becoming a reality very quickly. Now all I have to do is go out and get dishes/pots etc. Planned to do that today, but had to go into work so it will have to wait a bit. At least I have a list to help me.
Went by mom's today to drop off some requested things. Sarah and her mom and I sat in kitchen and it was almost like old times. Some laughter even. I have to say my timing couldn't be worse though. Mom had a fall this morning and it looks like we will have to be discussing her as well. In addition, she was told she can no longer drive. The woman started when she was 11!! Seriously, it was 1931 and things were a bit different back then. If I had known she was going to take turn for worse NOW, I would have waited. But maybe it is for the best. I hope so! I really do love that woman. She has been better to me than my own mother for a long long time.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Hurts more than expected
After Friday's session and the surreal experience of watch my Alma Mater lose in the NCAA basketball tourney Saturday night, I thought the worst was over for now.
I was wrong. Yesterday, monday was worse. She delivered news to her mom. I absolutely love my mother-in-law. Mom offered the suggestion that it might be better for her to stay there until I move out. Let me back up a bit. On Saturday, wife calls brother with news. I can understand that, they are very close. The bad thing was my 28 year old daughter overheard the conversation. Not the way I wanted her to find out to say the least. The 3 of us watched the game Saturday night since we are all alumni or current students. You would have thought I dreamed the previous 24 hours. NOTHING was said. Okay, with our family culture, that is understandable. I was hurt my brother-in-law didn't answer my text though. We have always been close. I have know him since he was 13! I gave him good advice about a girl that kept him from getting trapped (yes, the old fashioned "pregnant so you have to marry me kind of trap). I was supportive when he and his wife had their difficulties before they married. I could go on but you get the idea. So, when wife told her mom, I expected similiar things. Mom did say she wasn't surprised. OKAY, I get that blood is thicker than water etc.
One thing I neglected to mention was that at session on Friday, wife (oh hell, Sarah) asked me if I could move out sooner. She felt that it might be a long 6 weeks of both of us being uncomfortable under the same roof. On saturday, I met with the apartment people and moved up the date by 4 weeks. NOW, keep in mind, that SHE said she wants to work on repairing things. And Steve thinks she may be okay with my being gay and WANT to stay together. Don't see how that will work, but I am open to trying. It has been difficult and it has only been a few days. SO, last night, she says she will stay at her mom's. I thought I was okay with it. She said this morning that she would see me on Friday. That is next therapy session. And she left! It hit me harder than I expected. After all, I am the one who initiated all this didn't I? I should be happy or at least relieved that I don't have to walk on egg shells for the next 11 days. I am not.
Together we posted on Facebook the situation. Well, to be precise, I composed something and she said it sounded good so I posted it. I have to say, I was gratified at the outpouring of support for both of us from friends we have known for decades.
Today, she told our 18 year old son. I really wanted to be there for that. She said it wasn't necessary. After all, he and I have been at odds for a couple of years anyway. I hate when I am right sometimes!! He was upset, I don't know what she said, but he blames himself. Granted, he didn't make things any easier and he was a factor in our problems, but that if I had been there like I wanted, I could have at least let him know it wasn't his fault. Without going into details.
So, here I am at home. Alone. I know I shouldn't do this, but I do plan on drinking heavily. I just want to be unconscience and I cannot turn off my thoughts! Luckily, I got off work a bit early so I can do this and be awake to work tomorrow.
To AWILWIGM and Ellie Mae, a thank you for the perspective you give me of what my wife may be about to go through.
I don't want anyone to think I am in a downward spiral. I know this is the best course in the long run. I do know that, but tonight, I am going to deal with it the only way I can!
I was wrong. Yesterday, monday was worse. She delivered news to her mom. I absolutely love my mother-in-law. Mom offered the suggestion that it might be better for her to stay there until I move out. Let me back up a bit. On Saturday, wife calls brother with news. I can understand that, they are very close. The bad thing was my 28 year old daughter overheard the conversation. Not the way I wanted her to find out to say the least. The 3 of us watched the game Saturday night since we are all alumni or current students. You would have thought I dreamed the previous 24 hours. NOTHING was said. Okay, with our family culture, that is understandable. I was hurt my brother-in-law didn't answer my text though. We have always been close. I have know him since he was 13! I gave him good advice about a girl that kept him from getting trapped (yes, the old fashioned "pregnant so you have to marry me kind of trap). I was supportive when he and his wife had their difficulties before they married. I could go on but you get the idea. So, when wife told her mom, I expected similiar things. Mom did say she wasn't surprised. OKAY, I get that blood is thicker than water etc.
One thing I neglected to mention was that at session on Friday, wife (oh hell, Sarah) asked me if I could move out sooner. She felt that it might be a long 6 weeks of both of us being uncomfortable under the same roof. On saturday, I met with the apartment people and moved up the date by 4 weeks. NOW, keep in mind, that SHE said she wants to work on repairing things. And Steve thinks she may be okay with my being gay and WANT to stay together. Don't see how that will work, but I am open to trying. It has been difficult and it has only been a few days. SO, last night, she says she will stay at her mom's. I thought I was okay with it. She said this morning that she would see me on Friday. That is next therapy session. And she left! It hit me harder than I expected. After all, I am the one who initiated all this didn't I? I should be happy or at least relieved that I don't have to walk on egg shells for the next 11 days. I am not.
Together we posted on Facebook the situation. Well, to be precise, I composed something and she said it sounded good so I posted it. I have to say, I was gratified at the outpouring of support for both of us from friends we have known for decades.
Today, she told our 18 year old son. I really wanted to be there for that. She said it wasn't necessary. After all, he and I have been at odds for a couple of years anyway. I hate when I am right sometimes!! He was upset, I don't know what she said, but he blames himself. Granted, he didn't make things any easier and he was a factor in our problems, but that if I had been there like I wanted, I could have at least let him know it wasn't his fault. Without going into details.
So, here I am at home. Alone. I know I shouldn't do this, but I do plan on drinking heavily. I just want to be unconscience and I cannot turn off my thoughts! Luckily, I got off work a bit early so I can do this and be awake to work tomorrow.
To AWILWIGM and Ellie Mae, a thank you for the perspective you give me of what my wife may be about to go through.
I don't want anyone to think I am in a downward spiral. I know this is the best course in the long run. I do know that, but tonight, I am going to deal with it the only way I can!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Not too bad actually
Well, we had are session with therapist today. I am embarassed to say I blubbered like a baby during it. But it was cathartic. My wife realized that she played a role. NO, I did not come out yet. Therapist said to take it slow so I did. Almost spilled the beans when I thought she was about to ask. She was apparently both clueless and aware at the same time! That is a feat!!!. Lots of tears when I said I had to move out. She understands why on a level though. I so dreaded going back to work. Then I dreaded the drive home. Got there before she did though and thought "okay, I can be passed out with luck" I know, terrible. Kids came by, thought "okay, I won't have to discuss anything". Then they left and she came home. We talked, cried and realized it is a passage we MUST take. She is truly amazing. Without my going into some of the problems, she took responsibility for some of the problems. I still felt aweful and kept apologizing. She said it was her fault as well. I so wanted to come forth with more information. But I really do think (or am I kidding myself) that she isn't ready yet. Damn I hate we are both analytical at times. Guess what her first comment was at therapist? Furniture, we need to figure out what you will do for furniture. Steve later described her as stoic! Ya think? And before anyone thinks she is an ice princess, she isn't, it was her way of dealing with things. Hours later when we were both home, we talked more. How I dreaded that, but it was okay. Really. I am beginning to think we can come through this stronger like she said. But then, she still has another shoe to drop.
Anyone know a way I can go back in time say about 3 years? YES, I know I made a big step, Yes, I know it is for the best. But damn, what do I do later when more comes out????
God I hate drama, and yet, I seem to be destined to live in it.
But OTOH, she is one amazing woman!!
Anyone know a way I can go back in time say about 3 years? YES, I know I made a big step, Yes, I know it is for the best. But damn, what do I do later when more comes out????
God I hate drama, and yet, I seem to be destined to live in it.
But OTOH, she is one amazing woman!!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Commencing countdown Major Tom
Well, it is a beautiful day here. Of course that is a matter of opinion. I wanted winter to last a bit longer. Had to cancel weekend get together for many reasons. I hope all understand. Please send me dates for a future redo.
It occurred to me the other day that my wife has a lot of friends who either married or dated gays. Her maid of honor, her roommates in college and a few others. Those are the ones we know of. Didn't seem to bother her. Her brother and his wife know similar situations. Maybe this won't be as bad as I imagine it to be.
We don't know what happened last night, but both me and spouse may have gotten a touch of food poisoning last night. I am feeling better now (4 pounds lighter. LOL) But she is not yet. So, I have the afternoon to myself. Amazing, I have no idea what I will do. I wonder how it will be for me when I am always by myself? I hadn't considered that. Of course, I think if I was in apartment now, I might just head to the weights or treadmills. Today, the roller coaster ride is UP. I guess I should just enjoy that. Friday is still on the horizon.
Thanks to Buddy and Cubby for their words of encouragement.
It occurred to me the other day that my wife has a lot of friends who either married or dated gays. Her maid of honor, her roommates in college and a few others. Those are the ones we know of. Didn't seem to bother her. Her brother and his wife know similar situations. Maybe this won't be as bad as I imagine it to be.
We don't know what happened last night, but both me and spouse may have gotten a touch of food poisoning last night. I am feeling better now (4 pounds lighter. LOL) But she is not yet. So, I have the afternoon to myself. Amazing, I have no idea what I will do. I wonder how it will be for me when I am always by myself? I hadn't considered that. Of course, I think if I was in apartment now, I might just head to the weights or treadmills. Today, the roller coaster ride is UP. I guess I should just enjoy that. Friday is still on the horizon.
Thanks to Buddy and Cubby for their words of encouragement.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Another step to the cliff taken
Well, I am shaky, but another step was taken about 10 minutes ago. I followed through and asked my wife to join me at therapy session on the 16th. Wasn't sure I could do it to be honest. They say things happen for a reason and I am beginning to believe it. I have a friend on Facebook and I had never read his blog. Until yesterday. I read his very first entry. I cannot explain why, but it gave me the strength to follow through this morning. Now if I could only stop shaking enough to type. LOL. Too damn early for a drink and I sure wish it weren't. More later on this I hope. Thanks to all for your support. And a special thinks to Tim.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Baby steps, Big steps
Well, it has been a long time since I have written anything. I wish I could say it has been calm and serene. But that wouldn't be real life now would it?
Wife and I had big ski trip planned to Sweden in February. We were going to go with friends, including a lovely lady from Denmark who had been our exchange student 20+ years ago. She has a little boy now who we consider a grandson. So far so good. But then in January, my wife has a very bad ski fall and tears up her knee. I am ashamed to admit this, but my first thought when I found out she needed surgery was "damn, that throws my time table right out the damn window."
Here I was afraid I would chicken out and had steeled myself to complete the task set and I feel like I cannot at this time. I need to be there for her. So, no bombshell. Now, 2 months later, surgery still isn't scheduled. I have been continuing to go to therapy and we have come up with a plan B. Which may actually be better than my original one. My therapist Steve, suggested that I approach this with small steps. So to begin with, I will just say I need a sabbatical. In that vein, I have taken a very big step. I signed a lease on an apartment and will be moving out in 8 weeks! I am very excited and terrified at the same time. Hopefully, when I discuss this with her in 2 weeks at therapist office, this way will be less painful. Steve says (and I agree) that there is no need to tell her I am gay just yet. Of course I will have to tell her because I don't want anyone else to tell her. That would be so wrong. She has done nothing to deserve that kind of thing. Steve has also talked to me about the possibility of us getting together and living as friends after the sabbatical if she wants to and I want to after the year of therapy for both of us. That is the really great thing about Steve, he wants to be there for her as much as for me.
It is going to be big changes for both of us but the bottom line is I have to do this. I will lose my mind if I don't. The stress over the last couple of months has started to adversely affect my health, work and life in ways I couldn't have imagined. When I signed the lease on tuesday, I was shaking so badly it was hard to sign the check. I knew at that moment there was no turning back. And all in all, I am glad I have forced myself this way. And this time delay will prove to be a good thing. Thanks to everyone who has written to show support. I don't think I would have lasted this long without it. Special thanks to Will. His comment to last blog yesterday couldn't have been more timely and welcomed. It is the main reason I felt I could write today. Next weekend I have already made plans to get away with some friends skiing, all who know the situation so I should have the support I need to help me the following Friday. I just hope they show up. LOL
Have a great day. I have been told it gets better and I am trying hard to really believe it.
Wife and I had big ski trip planned to Sweden in February. We were going to go with friends, including a lovely lady from Denmark who had been our exchange student 20+ years ago. She has a little boy now who we consider a grandson. So far so good. But then in January, my wife has a very bad ski fall and tears up her knee. I am ashamed to admit this, but my first thought when I found out she needed surgery was "damn, that throws my time table right out the damn window."
Here I was afraid I would chicken out and had steeled myself to complete the task set and I feel like I cannot at this time. I need to be there for her. So, no bombshell. Now, 2 months later, surgery still isn't scheduled. I have been continuing to go to therapy and we have come up with a plan B. Which may actually be better than my original one. My therapist Steve, suggested that I approach this with small steps. So to begin with, I will just say I need a sabbatical. In that vein, I have taken a very big step. I signed a lease on an apartment and will be moving out in 8 weeks! I am very excited and terrified at the same time. Hopefully, when I discuss this with her in 2 weeks at therapist office, this way will be less painful. Steve says (and I agree) that there is no need to tell her I am gay just yet. Of course I will have to tell her because I don't want anyone else to tell her. That would be so wrong. She has done nothing to deserve that kind of thing. Steve has also talked to me about the possibility of us getting together and living as friends after the sabbatical if she wants to and I want to after the year of therapy for both of us. That is the really great thing about Steve, he wants to be there for her as much as for me.
It is going to be big changes for both of us but the bottom line is I have to do this. I will lose my mind if I don't. The stress over the last couple of months has started to adversely affect my health, work and life in ways I couldn't have imagined. When I signed the lease on tuesday, I was shaking so badly it was hard to sign the check. I knew at that moment there was no turning back. And all in all, I am glad I have forced myself this way. And this time delay will prove to be a good thing. Thanks to everyone who has written to show support. I don't think I would have lasted this long without it. Special thanks to Will. His comment to last blog yesterday couldn't have been more timely and welcomed. It is the main reason I felt I could write today. Next weekend I have already made plans to get away with some friends skiing, all who know the situation so I should have the support I need to help me the following Friday. I just hope they show up. LOL
Have a great day. I have been told it gets better and I am trying hard to really believe it.
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